Love, Dating, Marriage and Really Knowing What You Want

January 17, 2022Love and Marriage, Mindset

angel wings, love, relationships, marriage, knowing what you want

Love and Really Knowing vs. Really Wanting

Now that the cacophony of “The First Week of the New Year 🎉🎉🎉” has let off its steam it’s time to take stock. Is the plan you decided on in December going to lead you into the committed romantic relationship you really want?

I use that phrase a lot – the romantic relationship you really want, the supportive partnership you really want, the marriage you really want, but here’s what I’ve been thinking about this new January –

There’s a huge difference between really wanting something and really knowing what you want.

Do you know for sure that you want to be married, or to be a partner in a committed relationship? That may seem like an odd question, but …

Are you certain that this dream isn’t something other people in your life want for you, or something you think you ought to want because “everybody else” has it?

How do you know what you want in love?

Ask yourself, “What do I really want for my love, for my life?

Now wait quietly.

How does it feel in your body – particularly in the pit of your stomach? Do you feel determined or a little nervous? That’s good; feeling very nervous is even better! Why? Because your ultimate love relationships and happiness are important and worth it!

If you’re not getting a clear sensation, ask yourself this, “What do I really want for this time in my love and my life?”

Because here’s another secret of the Universe – as you evolve your desires can as well. You’re not twenty anymore, and you don’t have to keep going after the desire you had when you were.

Yes, I do know what I want in love.

If your body is telling you, yes, you do want a romantic relationship with a high quality man who makes you feel cherished, desired and loved, are you really ready to do what it takes to create it?

Doing what it takes is going to involve allowing all your feelings, especially nervous or scared, unsure and even out of control – and if that’s why you’ve stopped yourself in the past, please allow me to guide you on your journey. Start out simply – read my posts on social media: https://www.instagram.com/havemorelove/ https://www.facebook.com/HaveMoreLove

I can’t promise that “You Will Meet the Man of Your Dreams in 30 days 🎉” (Please do yourself a favor and run from anyone who does promise you this.)

I can only promise that your experience of yourself, your relationships, your life, will be changed for the better forever.

Thrive in Love! Step 3, Voila!

December 27, 2021December 24, 2021Love and Marriage, Manifestation, Mindset

relationships, dating, love, romance, manifesting, mindset, marriage

You’re in the home stretch! You’ve been reveling in what you created in the last year and learning how to enable the coming one to deliver what you most desire! The way to do that is use what you’ve learned for the good of your future relationship.

This part of the 3-step process, adapted from Marie Forleo’s Year in Review is when you get to decide what you no longer need to carry with you. See the thing that has been stopping you from creating the enriched romantic relationship you truly desire with the high-quality man you deserve – and let it go!

Marie provides the Q’s, I create the structure for you to take it into the realm of dating so you can discover your most useful A’s.

Ready? Set? GO!

1) What is one limiting story you’re going to let go of?

What do you believe, how do you behave, what has happened in the past? Is carrying forward your beliefs, behaviors, and history useful to you? You see it as a part of you, something so familiar it’s like your most comfy pair of slippers. They’re fabulous companions while walking the floors on a cold winter’s night but are comfy slippers useful when you set out to hike Mount Everest? No.

What if you’re stuck because there’s something you decided long ago that you ought to do and just haven’t?

Continuing to believe you ought to have or do the thing you wanted 10 years ago is just as limiting as continuing to do the thing that no longer serves your desires now.

That’s why you need this process – to make it apparent to you that if you want to create a different outcome in dating, relationships, and love, you have to be willing to be different than the way you’ve been single.

Me? This is the year I stop thinking I ought to have already learned how to speak French. That’s it, I’m done. Why? Because that thought “I should have done this already” keeps cropping up in every other area of my life and manifests as a constant chorus of, “what’s wrong with me, I’m lazy, if I haven’t already I never will…”

2) How can you relate it to romantic relationships?

Would you wear a dress on a date that you loved when you bought it ten years ago, even if it doesn’t fit you well now? Then why would you keep thinking a thought or displaying a behavior that doesn’t suit who you are or help you achieve what you want now?

Have you had an experience in your past where someone you trusted turned out to be very different from the way you thought he was and ever since then you don’t trust men?

If you believe you can’t trust men, and you believe trusting them will hurt you, and you believe the problem is outside of you – it’s the men – you won’t be able to create a different result because you will continue to act in ways you think protect you.

The thing is, though, relationships consist of connection between two people, and true connection involves intimacy, and intimacy is attained through vulnerability on both your parts, and to feel vulnerable you’re going to have to trust – yourself and him.

Refusing to trust men doesn’t keep you safe, it keeps you separate, and staying separate is not the route to love and marriage.

3) How can you break this pattern that’s keeping you from love?

Whether it’s a belief or a behavior, once you’ve left it by the side of your relationship road you’ll see how it was getting in your way because you’ll begin to feel a sense of ease around dating and all your relationships!

It’s taken me a long time to fully understand that whether the thing is meeting a new man or learning a new skill, if I believe I ought to already know how to be perfect with it, or I ought to have already done it that doesn’t make me want to run toward it, it makes me want to run away.

If you’re someone who has never dated, how can you enjoy yourself if you believe you ought to already have been in a relationship? If you’ve never sustained a relationship past the first few dates, how can you know how to nurture your love into 6 months, or 12 or more? You can’t and telling yourself that “everyone else does” isn’t the way to create self-confidence.

Whether you follow the words of Rumi and “Be like a tree and let the dead leaves drop” or Elsa and, “Let it go!” try it, what do you have to lose?

If that thought or thing really is like an old friend and you miss it too much, you can always pick it up again where you left off.

A happy, safe, peaceful New Year to you! ❤️

The gift of love doesn’t come in a box!

December 20, 2021Manifestation, Mindset

We’re living in a time of so much possibility and opportunity. And it’s your time to create the romantic transformation in your life that you so deeply desire.

You don’t want just an average guy and an ordinary relationship, so you know it’s not about setting resolutions and then waiting and hoping.

To create your best life, you need to set yourself up to manifest an enriched romantic relationship with a high-quality man – the kind you want and deserve. That takes a process, and I’ve adapted mine from Marie Forleo’s Year in Review. She provided the original 3 Q’s, and for your richest results, I’ve expanded on them for greater insight into your real A’s.

Let’s continue with a deep dive into the second question. Whether you are working each step week by week or waiting to sit down and do it all together, for optimum enjoyment create an environment that you find lovely and luxurious and feeds your imagination and soul.

1) What mistakes did I make that taught me something?

The most important part of that question is – THAT TAUGHT ME SOMETHING. Really. This is not an opportunity to become fixated on what didn’t go per your plan and beat yourself up over it.

One of the most powerful ways to create positive change in your life is to have a firm grasp on how you arrived at the point you’re at now – that’s how you’ll learn what you need to do.

When you try to change a situation without knowing which of your actions are or aren’t creating your desired results, you might be changing something that is working, and that’s just counter-productive.

After you’ve made a list of the experiences that carried a lesson, decide which one has the most fuel for you to work from right now and ask – what is one mistake I made and the lesson I learned?

2) How can you relate it to romantic relationships?

Know one mistake you made this past year and the lesson you learned from it? Now take it and apply it to a romantic situation. Here’s how:

I was co-hosting a series of workshops with another coach who told me she wanted to cut back on them to make room for other things. She never said she wanted to stop. There were options to keep them going, but at some point, I decided that she didn’t want to do them anymore.

I started to pull back. In the last workshop I didn’t announce the one that was coming up. I had a thought about something she’d said and started to act in opposition to the outcome I wanted. The upshot was the workshop series ended because of me.

I can’t tell you how many times in budding romantic relationships I created this outcome. A man would say something that I decided meant he didn’t really want to be with me, and I started to act in ways that ended the possibility of going forward.

What about you? What assumptions are you making, actions are you taking, that are creating the polar opposite outcome in your romantic relationships from the one you desire?

How are you keeping yourself from love?

3) How can you break this pattern that’s keeping you from love?

The first step to not repeating your past is owning your present. Don’t shy away from seeing what is really happening and the part you play in it.

The patterns you experience in your life aren’t originating in the men you meet or the situations you encounter. Your patterns don’t come from outside yourself, they come from you repeating your old thoughts that have become beliefs, and then acting on those beliefs.

Here’s your gift – it’s very simple to change the things that need to change to ensure you create the outcomes you desire! Since nothing is coming from outside yourself, all of this is well within your control.

You have the ability to create the enriched romantic relationship, the marriage, the family – the joy – you really, really want!

To Thrive in Love is the Gift!

December 14, 2021Mindset

relationships, love, dating, starting, thriving, being ready, marriage

How will 2022 be different for you?

Please know this – no matter your relationship history, experience or age, and especially if coming to the end of another year is adding stress – you are in the perfect place at the perfect time right now.

Together let’s use the next 3 weeks to set you up to experience great joy in dating in the New Year. It’s not just about setting resolutions, it’s about setting yourself up to manifest enriched romantic relationships. That takes a process, and I’ve adapted mine from Marie Forleo’s Year in Review. She provides the Q’s, I suggest how you can discover the real A’s.

Get a clear handle on where you are now. If you want more joy in your romantic relationships, give yourself the attention you deserve; luxuriate in thoughts of these last few months and ponder these first 3 questions:

1) What did you do last year that you’re proud of?

Set aside an indulgently-long chunk of time to think back to all you’ve accomplished. This isn’t the time to rehash past mistakes or regret missed opportunities – seek only the good!

Choose the prettiest journal and pen, brew a fragrant, delicious pot of tea, sit down in your comfiest chair, pull up a soft blanket and luxuriate in the last 12 months like you’re soaking in a warm bath full of silky bubbles.

Now, let your thoughts wander to all the good – and trust me, there was good last year, even amidst all the trials.

What did you create? What did you enjoy, what did you learn, how did you grow?

It might not even be things that you set out intentionally to accomplish, just ask yourself – what went well – and then when you’ve got that fabulously loooong list ask – of all these possibilities, what am I proud of?

2) How can you relate it to romantic relationships?

Out of my entire list, the thing I’m proud of is – I cooked for our Neighbors’ Friendsgiving celebration. Why in the world is that the thing I’m most proud of?

It’s been ten years since I’ve cooked a turkey and I remember how afraid I was then because I undercooked it at first and had to put it back in the oven when everyone was already at the table.

That fear threatened to derail me, the voice in my head suggesting this time would of course be a repeat of the last. I didn’t know what I was doing, I’d done it wrong, wrong, wrong and what could possibly be different now?

How can I relate this to romantic relationships? When you’ve had interactions with men that didn’t go the way you’d hoped, whether they were dates, relationships or simply early-stage chats, it’s easy to start to believe that’s the entire story of your romantic journey.

It’s easy to let the disappointment you felt then resurface now, and that disappointment will affect the way you show up just the way my fear at first affected my willingness and ability to cook a turkey.

Know that you are the mistress of your own destiny and that your past does not dictate your future. Declare each man you meet unique, consciously choose to not compare him to anyone else you’ve ever met. Look for the green flags.

3) How can you break this pattern that’s keeping you from love?

Two things I know for certain are, your past only dictates your future when you let it, and you don’t get what you want, you usually get what you expect. You have got to find a way to create a belief about dating that is based, not on the disappointments of your past, but on the possibilities of your future.

So, how did I do it differently this time?

I got professional help. I researched instructions from reputable chefs. I made sure I had the oven set to the right temperature and continued to monitor it the entire time. I used a good thermometer. I prayed and coached myself through it with the support of a dear friend. It turned out delicious and all was well.

The only way to break a pattern is to stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing that isn’t working. You may think you know what that thing is, but chances are great that you don’t. Like with me and the turkey – I would have told you it was my lack of experience in cooking since I’d only done it once.

Sound familiar? Do you think it’s your lack of experience with men or dating that’s holding you back and if you just keep putting yourself out there someday it will all just magically click?

Magical thinking only works in fairy tales. If you want to create real change in your real romantic relationships, you need to learn how to do what you don’t yet know how to do.

What Love Are You Gifting Yourself?

December 6, 2021December 5, 2021Mindset

Marriage, Love, Romance, Romantic Relationships, Dating, Commitment, Personal Responsibility

I know this about you – you take personal responsibility really seriously. As a matter of fact, that’s probably one of the items on your Uniquely Essential Qualities List (UEQ’s).

There’s just so far you can evolve yourself on your own and if you’re stuck you need to move your skills from theory into practice. As with driving, there’s a time to move from the learner’s manual to the highway. If you want to uplevel your relationships, you need other persons to play with – dates, and eventually, a partner.

Jerry Maguire might have said, “You complete me” but in real life relationships, people don’t meld into each other. What we do is meld our two selves into one partnership while keeping our personal identities intact. Think about that. If you’ve never liked the idea of losing yourself or becoming a different person for love – you’re doing it right!

So, how do you know what part is your responsibility? Once you figure it out, give yourself the gift of knowing what to do about it!

1) How does this apply to me?

I take it to the extreme sometimes, but you have to learn to embrace the question.

If a man is not seeming to be in integrity, how can I see places where I’m not in integrity? If he is not standing up for all his principles, where am I not standing up for all my principles?

Do you continually meet men who do not want to commit to you? And do you believe that ‘men don’t want to commit?’ Where in your life are you not committing and following through? I know you don’t believe me, but this is exactly what’s happening.

This is what it means when we say we attract who we are.

2) How am I impeding my own love?

Demanding certainty is keeping you from going all in on the dating process. And not going all in on dating is what’s keeping you from meeting the man who will one day be your rightest love match.

Here’s the way this may play out – you engage with very few men via messaging, deciding early on in the interactions none of them is right for you. Or, you have a bunch of short phone or video chats or go on a bunch of first dates, and decide none of them is right for you. Deciding is the way you create certainty, because even though you’re not getting what you say you want – a relationship that grows into marriage – at least you know what you’ll get – you get to be certain that the budding relationship will end and that you will remain alone. In other words, you get to feel comfort in the familiar.

You must allow yourself to feel the discomfort of not knowing whether or not he’s the one, or if he thinks you’re the one for him, or as I prefer to call it – you must develop a willingness to wonder.

3) What’s really stopping me from finding my true love?

Have you had experiences with men who turned out to be very different from who you thought they were? If so, maybe you think not knowing how to trust men is what really scares you about dating. If you have you may believe that you can’t ever trust any man again, and that this decision will keep you safe.

But here’s the real truth that I don’t hear a lot of people talking about – this decision never to trust a man again won’t keep you safe, it will only keep you separate, and the person you need to learn to trust is yourself.

I’ll beat the drum again for loving yourself, because when you truly love yourself you evolve to trust yourself. The reason you have to trust yourself is when you don’t, you second guess absolutely everything you do and it holds you back, it keeps you stuck, from moving forward into the relationship you want.

Trust you will see what you need to see, know what you need to know, choose and take action to care for yourself and your most precious relationship – the one you have with yourself.

Once you can trust yourself to take care of your needs you’ll know how, when and if to trust other people – men included.

This is how you learn to not simply live at the effect of the world, this is how you become responsible for your results in your entire life.

Expectation is a Gift of Love!

November 29, 2021Mindset

dating, romance, relationships, marriage, mindset, what do you expect?

To me, a relationship is a vehicle by which you can evolve further into the woman you’re meant to be and create the loving partnership you desire which, itself, will enable you to go even further forward in your life experiences!

That is a win-win-win!

One of the biggest game-changers for me was the moment I realized I could want anything in the world, but to actually attain it I needed to expect that I would.

1) The gift of expectation of love!

Have you ever wanted something so badly it hurt? You may want something, but if you don’t really expect to be able to get it you will not. You want one kind of man but you keep getting the other kind.

This keeps happening because even though you want an enriched romantic relationship with the love of your life, you don’t really expect to get it. That’s why you keep meeting the same kind of men.

And the issue is not that you are a magnet that only attracts a certain type of man; you are attracted to men who deliver on your expectation. You believe you will be treated a certain way, and you keep dating men who treat you the way you believe you will be treated.

Do you see how this outcome isn’t what you want, but it’s what you expect?

Your expectations are based on your beliefs, which are based on your past experiences – but they don’t have to be. Your past doesn’t dictate your future, except when you let it. If you believe that every man is alike, then you’ll expect every man you date to treat you like all the others – and it’s entirely possible that when you meet a man who doesn’t it will feel so odd to you that you’ll have a whole bunch of reasons why he’s not right for you!

2) Careful where you place that energy on love!

So, here’s the thing about putting all your energy behind wondering how the men will act, what the men will do, when the men will do it …

When you focus only on the men you don’t see your part in the patterns of your own life.

Part of my grand reckoning was that one day it came to me; I’d had hundreds of different jobs, hundreds of first and only dates, lived in three different states and I still didn’t have the life I wanted. If my life had been a science experiment I was the only constant. If I’d changed everything else (and I had) and I still wasn’t happy (and I wasn’t), the only thing left to change was me. But you can’t just randomly start changing things and hope you’ll strike gold – you need to fairly evaluate yourself and discover what part isn’t working. You must examine your relationship patterns from your part in them, not the men’s.

3) Expectation hastens your progress towards … love!

If you want to make some major changes in your relationship status you have to start from where you are right now.

What do you believe about yourself being single?

What do you believe about men?

What do you believe about relationships?

Do you see relationships around you that you’d like to emulate?

When you look at all the answers together – do you feel joy?

If the answer is no, that is okay – really. Just like with GPS, you absolutely, positively need to know where you’re starting from in order to get where you want to go – now you get to chart a new course that will uplift your expectation of love!

Wrap up the gift to manifest love!

November 22, 2021November 20, 2021Manifestation

wrap up the gift of love, manifest love, dating, relationships, marriage, romance, mindset

You’ve created success in all the other areas of your life so you know it’s not magic that makes anything happen, it’s the proper use of the best tools. With the right mental and emotional foundation you’ll manifest your heart’s desire, whether a long-term monogamous commitment or marriage.

Over the past three weeks I’ve shared the foundational steps necessary to manifest the enriched romantic relationship you want with, not just any man, your rightest match.

Time to take the thoughtful, emotional groundwork you’ve developed in your head and your heart and put it into action!

1) When the chance comes, grab the love!

You don’t stay at the top of your business game by letting opportunities pass you by, so apply the same technique to your dating game – know when a great option might be presenting itself and take a chance!

Dating isn’t a punishment, it’s a process through which you learn everything you need to know about yourself and the relationship you want. It’s the road you take to get to your destination. Please remember this if you don’t meet Mr. Right the first time out.

Are you waiting to meet a man “organically?” Meaning – are you waiting for a friend to introduce you to her boyfriend’s cousin or brother’s office mate? I can count the number of times on one hand that I’ve been set up, and none of those ever led to a second date. You might not want to hear this, but if you want a romantic relationship sooner rather than later, you’re going to have to be more proactive in the process.

The majority of people who are in relationships right now have engaged in some type of online dating. Think of it this way, if you want to cook food you go to the place most likely to have a huge selection – the supermarket. If you want to meet men to date you go to the place most likely to have a huge selection – a dating site or app.

You may ask, do I have to contact men first? Only if you want to feel the power of choosing rather than waiting to be chosen.

Do I have to ask men out? No. You can if you want, but you don’t have to.

Oh, so I don’t have to make the first move? Well, yes, in a way you do – you have to post a fabulous profile and great pictures. If you don’t, how will your rightest match know you’re looking for him and be able to find you?

2) Nature WILL take its course toward love!

Does writing about yourself and posting pictures and engaging in conversations with men you’ve never before met seem like a lot more action than you’re used to taking in pursuit of romance? Great! What better way to get different results than you ever have before than by taking different actions than you ever have before?

When you feel good about yourself and know what you bring to a relationship, you will naturally want to make use of every opportunity. With a higher degree of self-confidence you’ll be more likely to take risks because you’ll be better able to see the grand potential in meeting many different types of men and having a lot of different dating experiences.

Dating will actually be fun!

See a man who kind of piques your interest, but he’s not exactly your type? Excellent! He’s exactly the one you ought to message to say hello.

Don’t know what to say to a man? Tell him you’re intrigued and why. Mention something you liked in his profile, that’s a great conversation starter.

Have trouble getting men to engage in conversations with you? Share something about yourself first, mention something funny that happened that day, ask him a question, ask for advice.

And always engage like the kind of person you’d be happy to respond to.

3) Expectation hastens your progress toward your right love!

This is crucial in your pursuit of an enriched romantic partnership – have unwavering faith and trust in the outcome you desire.

There’s no room for doubt or disbelief when you are in the midst of manifestation – and no second-guessing. Now, that doesn’t mean you never have a moment of wondering if it will really turn out different this time and for heaven’s sake, when? … you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.

What it does mean is, in those moments you take hold of yourself and turn your thoughts back to persistent, consistent trust in your ability to receive what your Source has in store for you.

You are unique and there are people, events, experiences meant only for you personally. Expectation sets the pace of whatever outcome you imagine, so expect good and know your relationship will come at its right time – at the time it’s perfect for you!

This work will flow like a river when you can allow yourself to let go of resistance, lose your fear, and stop trying to control the outcome, so your job is to identify the thoughts that are holding you back and let them go. You’ll know you’ve done it because everything will feel brand new to you!