What Love Are You Gifting Yourself?

Marriage, Love, Romance, Romantic Relationships, Dating, Commitment, Personal Responsibility

I know this about you – you take personal responsibility really seriously. As a matter of fact, that’s probably one of the items on your Uniquely Essential Qualities List (UEQ’s).

There’s just so far you can evolve yourself on your own and if you’re stuck you need to move your skills from theory into practice. As with driving, there’s a time to move from the learner’s manual to the highway. If you want to uplevel your relationships, you need other persons to play with – dates, and eventually, a partner.

Jerry Maguire might have said, “You complete me” but in real life relationships, people don’t meld into each other. What we do is meld our two selves into one partnership while keeping our personal identities intact. Think about that. If you’ve never liked the idea of losing yourself or becoming a different person for love – you’re doing it right!

So, how do you know what part is your responsibility? Once you figure it out, give yourself the gift of knowing what to do about it!

1) How does this apply to me?

I take it to the extreme sometimes, but you have to learn to embrace the question.

If a man is not seeming to be in integrity, how can I see places where I’m not in integrity? If he is not standing up for all his principles, where am I not standing up for all my principles? 

Do you continually meet men who do not want to commit to you? And do you believe that ‘men don’t want to commit?’ Where in your life are you not committing and following through? I know you don’t believe me, but this is exactly what’s happening. 

This is what it means when we say we attract who we are.

2)  How am I impeding my own love? 

Demanding certainty is keeping you from going all in on the dating process. And not going all in on dating is what’s keeping you from meeting the man who will one day be your rightest love match. 

Here’s the way this may play out – you engage with very few men via messaging, deciding early on in the interactions none of them is right for you. Or, you have a bunch of short phone or video chats or go on a bunch of first dates, and decide none of them is right for you. Deciding is the way you create certainty, because even though you’re not getting what you say you want – a relationship that grows into marriage – at least you know what you’ll get – you get to be certain that the budding relationship will end and that you will remain alone. In other words, you get to feel comfort in the familiar. 

You must allow yourself to feel the discomfort of not knowing whether or not he’s the one, or if he thinks you’re the one for him, or as I prefer to call it – you must develop a willingness to wonder.

3) What’s really stopping me from finding my true love?

Have you had experiences with men who turned out to be very different from who you thought they were? If so, maybe you think not knowing how to trust men is what really scares you about dating. If you have you may believe that you can’t ever trust any man again, and that this decision will keep you safe.

But here’s the real truth that I don’t hear a lot of people talking about – this decision never to trust a man again won’t keep you safe, it will only keep you separate, and the person you need to learn to trust is yourself.

I’ll beat the drum again for loving yourself, because when you truly love yourself you evolve to trust yourself. The reason you have to trust yourself is when you don’t, you second guess absolutely everything you do and it holds you back, it keeps you stuck, from moving forward into the relationship you want. 

Trust you will see what you need to see, know what you need to know, choose and take action to care for yourself and your most precious relationship – the one you have with yourself. 

Once you can trust yourself to take care of your needs you’ll know how, when and if to trust other people – men included.

This is how you learn to not simply live at the effect of the world, this is how you become responsible for your results in your entire life.

Expectation is a Gift of Love!

dating, romance, relationships, marriage, mindset, what do you expect?

To me, a relationship is a vehicle by which you can evolve further into the woman you’re meant to be and create the loving partnership you desire which, itself, will enable you to go even further forward in your life experiences! 

That is a win-win-win!

One of the biggest game-changers for me was the moment I realized I could want anything in the world, but to actually attain it I needed to expect that I would.

1) The gift of expectation of love!

Have you ever wanted something so badly it hurt? You may want something, but if you don’t really expect to be able to get it you will not. You want one kind of man but you keep getting the other kind. 

This keeps happening because even though you want an enriched romantic relationship with the love of your life, you don’t really expect to get it. That’s why you keep meeting the same kind of men. 

And the issue is not that you are a magnet that only attracts a certain type of man; you are attracted to men who deliver on your expectation. You believe you will be treated a certain way, and you keep dating men who treat you the way you believe you will be treated.

Do you see how this outcome isn’t what you want, but it’s what you expect?

Your expectations are based on your beliefs, which are based on your past experiences – but they don’t have to be. Your past doesn’t dictate your future, except when you let it. If you believe that every man is alike, then you’ll expect every man you date to treat you like all the others – and it’s entirely possible that when you meet a man who doesn’t it will feel so odd to you that you’ll have a whole bunch of reasons why he’s not right for you!

2)  Careful where you place that energy on love! 

So, here’s the thing about putting all your energy behind wondering how the men will act, what the men will do, when the men will do it …

When you focus only on the men you don’t see your part in the patterns of your own life. 

Part of my grand reckoning was that one day it came to me; I’d had hundreds of different jobs, hundreds of first and only dates, lived in three different states and I still didn’t have the life I wanted. If my life had been a science experiment I was the only constant. If I’d changed everything else (and I had) and I still wasn’t happy (and I wasn’t), the only thing left to change was me. But you can’t just randomly start changing things and hope you’ll strike gold – you need to fairly evaluate yourself and discover what part isn’t working. You must examine your relationship patterns from your part in them, not the men’s.

3) Expectation hastens your progress towards … love!

If you want to make some major changes in your relationship status you have to start from where you are right now. 

What do you believe about yourself being single?

What do you believe about men?

What do you believe about relationships? 

Do you see relationships around you that you’d like to emulate?

When you look at all the answers together – do you feel joy?

If the answer is no, that is okay – really. Just like with GPS, you absolutely, positively need to know where you’re starting from in order to get where you want to go – now you get to chart a new course that will uplift your expectation of love!

Gratitude for Manifesting Sustaining Love – Step 1

manifesting, romance, love, marriage, relationships, dating, gratitude

 

Manifesting Love Like a Boss

Have you ever seen a performance that hooked you in? An actor breathed life into a character, held you spellbound and took you for a ride through a story you got invested in? That is the power of specificity and if it makes that much of a difference to a character on screen, imagine what it can do for you in real life!

The difference between women who are powerful, consistent, blessed manifestors and those who believe love isn’t meant for them is being grateful for what they already have and being specific about what they want to create more of.

1)   Own who you are and what you’ve already got to manifest the love you want

What are your values? What are your priorities? Who do you want to be in this relationship? How do you want to show up in it? 

Look at every aspect of your life – your business side, family relationships, friendships, your spiritual journey, your home, your car, your hobbies – inventory, acknowledge and show gratitude for everything that you already have received and you will be that much more able to receive even more in the form of romance. 

And always, always, always choose yourself first and feel gratitude for all you already have. This is what enables you to truly manifest whatever you desire, this is what separates consistent manifestors from women who think love isn’t for them – you must operate from a position of having rather than lacking. You are adding to your already full, luscious life, not scraping by with crumbs. 

Be your own right match first!

2)  Decide/Choose/Align with your right match to manifest the love you want

Now that you’ve done the work to understand your values and priorities, and you know how you want to be in this world, expand your thinking to encompass the relationship itself. 

What kind of romantic relationship do you want? Do you want to be married? Do you want to have an equal partnership where each of you carries a similar load of responsibilities? Do you want adventure or consistency? 

Now think about how you want to live. Do you crave a quiet home or a hub of activity? Like to be planted and take root in one place, or does life on the road have a quirky appeal?

Now, and only now are you ready to think about him. What qualities in a man will be in best alignment with your values? What kind of lifestyle will he live? How does he move through the world and how do his values support yours and vice versa?

Why are you doing all this work before you’ve even met him? Because you don’t want just any man, just any relationship, just any marriage – you want the unique love that is perfect for you.

3)   Commit to yourself and ask for the love you desire!

Now that you’ve decided exactly what it is that you want more of, make the commitment to yourself that you want a man to make to you – write it down. 

Take a pen or a colored pencil or a crayon – whatever sparks joy in you – and commit it to a piece of paper – a notebook or journal is even better – it doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, only substantive and something that will last, that you will get access to and not lose under a pile of papers.

And once you’ve written it down, read it out loud to yourself, even if you only start with a whisper and build up louder from there. Ask God or the Universe or whatever Source you believe in for this enriched romantic relationship with your right match. 

There’s power in wanting, and that’s the power that has really been taken from women over all these centuries. We’ve been sold a pack of lies about needing to be selfless at all times, always putting others ahead of ourselves. We’ve had our wanting taken from us publicly, and yet we still want internally – because humans want, we desire, we need.

Acknowledge and ask for what you want and remember this key – be grateful for what you already have and want more, want in addition to, want high, further, deeper.

There’s power in asking for what you want. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. When you can ask you can receive!

This is the first step in manifesting the romantic relationship you want.

#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating  #datingat40 #midlifelove

Your Great Love: Green Means Go!

dating, marriage, romance, love, green flags, making change

I know you may not believe me right now, but great men are everywhere – really. You might have just walked past one in the produce section of the grocery store. They’re at work, at school and yes, online! You’ve probably even had dates with some, but you couldn’t see what was great about them, the green flags, because you’ve been trained to look for the red ones.

If you’re ever going to see the great men who are all around, you need to look for what’s great about them.

Last week I told you three things you can do to start seeing more possibilities in profiles and pictures online, now let’s talk about doing that in person.

1)   Flip the coin on love and dating

It seems like such a good way to keep yourself safe, doesn’t it? If you start out on high alert from the very beginning of the process, and comb through profiles and pictures looking for what’s wrong, you won’t get caught up in a sorrowful situation.

But, my friend, here’s the flip side to that coin. If you constantly and consistently look for problems, that is all you’ll ever find because you will begin to interpret everything you can’t explain as a problem – red flag.

And if you continue to take that red-alertness with you into messaging with all men you’ll never get to a live date with any men. 

Here’s the fix. Notice when you feel curious.

 After you move from reading profiles and assessing photos like the romantic detective you’ve become, you can reach out to some of the men you find interesting. Or you can choose to respond to some of the men who’ve reached out to you. Or both. 

All it takes is for a man to pique your interest, just a little tickle..

Start with messaging in the app and see what sparks your curiosity. And if he’s not adept at moving the conversation forward, ask about things you’d like to know about him. Develop a list of questions about fun, light topics that are interesting to you. The point of this is not to engage in a serious conversation immediately, it’s simply to see if you share common interests and see possibility and if you’re intrigued enough to move onto a phone call.

2)   Hear the love 

Have you heard online dating coaches say that you ought to go from messaging to meeting as quickly as possible? I get the reasoning behind it, after all, you’re not looking for a digital pen pal, but … 

One of the essential qualities I looked for in my partner is that together we have good, clear communication; that’s an imperative. Before you meet someone there are various touch points to make a communication connection, why would you pass up any opportunity? The first was writing, the second is speaking!

And if you want to be sure the person you’re meeting is who he says he is, an extra step is not a big deal, it’s a heck yes!

Here’s the fix. Listen for the alignment.

This sets me apart from a lot of other coaches – I suggest you always have at least one phone call before you agree to meet someone in person. Always. 

I think there’s a lot to be gleaned from hearing a man’s voice. This is someone whose voice you might be hearing for a long time, it ought to be pleasing to you! Can you imagine hearing it first thing in the morning or last thing at night? One thing I noticed immediately that made me want to know more, is that my boyfriend has such a great voice!

Also, while on the phone you can assess whether the man you’re speaking with is the same one who was messaging you. Does the conversation flow the way the messaging did? Is his humor similar? Is he picking up the conversation verbally where it left off on the app? Does he know who he’s speaking with or does he keep confusing you with someone else?

If the conversation feels a little stilted it’s not necessarily a red flag warning – some people (men and women) just don’t care for speaking on the phone and might converse more easily in person. You can let him know you’re happy to do that – after you speak on the phone at least once. That’s not a big ask.

And if he does confuse you with someone else, it doesn’t mean absolutely that this is a scam. As someone who’s done it a couple of times myself innocently, 😔 please give him some grace; but if it starts to seem like he’s just not paying attention, that’s a different story.

3)   Love meeting in person!

Do you find meeting someone in person difficult? Is it hard to schedule a time that works well for both of you? Is it stressful to get ready; decide what to wear, style your hair, take your look from work to wow? 

Do you live in a city where driving and parking are part-time jobs? 

Do you wish you could go back to the days that some of us consider chivalrous, when men asked women on dates, and picked them up, took them out and drove them back home?

Here’s the fix. Experience love in your time, not anyone else’s! 

Did you let yourself believe you didn’t have time to learn your business? No. Take that same approach to scheduling dates. And if you have a system for getting dressed for work you can develop one for dates that leaves you feeling more like a romantic partner than a boss. 

Embrace having your own wheels! Until you’ve spent enough in-person time with a man, have found out more about him, his family, his friends, his life, enjoy literally being in the driver’s seat.

When you’ve checked the boxes with your systems – scheduling, dressing and traveling – it makes being on the actual date so much more fun! You don’t have to be distracted, you can do the only thing you’re there to do – see and be seen, talk, laugh, share, listen. Focus on him to see and hear what makes this man great. Does he have a great sense of humor or knowledge about a topic you’ve always wondered about? Does he run a corporation that’s donating funds to your favorite cause? Has he traveled to all the places you’ve been to yourself?

There’s something great about each and every one of us, although whether or not this is someone who’s great for you … that’s for you to decide after you’ve had a few more dates.

#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating  #datingat40 #midlifelove

Is this a good time to go online for love?

love, dating, relationships, marriage, deciding, seeing into the future, when is a good time?

 

Looking for love, dating or marriage online?  Now’s the time!

I used to think that fall was a terrible time to go online because of the upcoming holidays, believing that everybody was already coupled up and that I would just drift in a sea of unread profiles and unseen pics.

I was so wrong! My now-boyfriend and I had our first official date last October 28th. We’re coming up on our 1st anniversary and if I’d decided last year that all the good ones must already be taken, someone else would have taken him!

Here’s the thing, the run-up to the winter holidays has always been a good time to seek love online. The only reason I thought it was bad was because that story kept me safe. Coming up with excuses to not go online was second nature to me, as cozy as a soft blanket. 

Do you think you’ll have to give up too much of your current lifestyle and activities to be with a man? Will you disappoint the ones who depend on you to be the steadfast, single friend? Perhaps you’re simply feeling comfortable with your singleness and feeling resistant to change. 

If you’d like to spend this New Year’s Eve cozied up with your man instead of your blanket, then this is the perfect time to figure out what’s holding you back so you can move forward!

Ask yourself, what kind of relationships have I had in the past? What did each of my previous experiences have in common? Did I choose the same kind of man each time? 

Take your focus off the men and take a good look at yourself, your patterns, your thoughts and actions. That’s where you’ll strike gold. It’s true that knowledge is power, because you can’t get what you want for your future until you know what hasn’t gotten you what you want up until now.

After you’ve figured out exactly what’s been holding you back, take a good long look in the mirror and say goodbye to the past, single you.

Looking for love online? Let yourself be seen 

After you’ve said goodbye to the past, single you, while you’re still looking in that mirror, say hello to the new you. The woman who is ready, willing and able to create a beautiful online profile that shares the true you, honestly and with joy! This is the way to allow your right match to find you!

You want to let your man know exactly who you are and what he can expect when he chooses to share his life with you. 

Let him see himself; talk directly to him and tell him about the kind of man you seek. Is he quietly confident or brashly intrepid? Is he celebrating many years as an employee, happy with his two weeks’ annual pre-planned vacation, or a titan who moves mountains from his laptop and can pick up on the spur of the moment and accompany you on a month-long adventure? Are you looking forward to his corny jokes or heartfelt poetry? Tell him so!

 Let him see the future; tell him the things you enjoy and how you spend your time and suggest ways you’d like to spend your time together. And be sure to let him know that this is not an all-inclusive list, that part of getting to know each other will be discovering what he enjoys and coming up with ideas for all the things you’ll enjoy and do together

 Let him see you; post clear, current, beautiful photos that complement what you’ve written and show you in the best possible way – as you are now. It’s not about pore-erasing filters or slimming poses, it’s about expressing visually what you want him to know about you and the life you’ll share.

Might some other men, some mismatches, be attracted to you as well? Of course they will, so what? The more deliberate you are about presenting yourself fully, out loud, the more interest you’ll have – and the greater probability your best match will find you.

Seeking your right match for love? Game, Mindset, Match

If you’re anything like I was, you’ve probably spent a lot of time writing and re-writing your profile, asking your friends what makes you a catch and wondering how sarcastic you can dare to be in print (based on studies, skip the snark and stick to a more playful type of humor. Sarcasm doesn’t read well; you really need to hear the tone of someone’s voice for that to sound funny). And you’ve spent as much time, if not more, taking and discarding photos, convinced you need to look taller, thinner or younger. 

If you want to create a different outcome in dating than you ever have before I really recommend you invest conscious effort working on your mindset. Okay, you’ve been hearing that word a lot lately, what does it mean? According to an online dictionary, your mindset is the established set of attitudes you hold. What does this mean for your romantic results? Your outcome in romance has a lot more to do with what you think about men and dating than it does with the men themselves.

Schedule regular time each week to work out what you need to do to go to the next level. Ask yourself real questions about your past and your present and don’t stop until you arrive at real answers. And when you uncover a belief about yourself, men or relationships that doesn’t serve you, practice thinking a new one.

Just like I mentioned earlier about how seeing your past patterns gives you power to stop repeating your old outcomes, seeing your present behavior is your first step in creating your most desired future . Notice where you’re hiding away, feeling unworthy, not being authentic. Look for a tendency to procrastinate going online or to live social events where you might meet a man in person, or otherwise sabotage your success. 

No matter if you’ve been in a years’ long relationship, had a bunch of short ‘situationships’ or you’ve never dated at all, you can, ultimately, wind up in your most desired, enriched romantic relationship, cozied up with your rightest match as the ball drops this New Year’s Eve!

#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating  #datingat40 #midlifelove