Double Dating

When you’re in the vast wilderness of online dating, are you corresponding (messaging, talking, texting, coffee-ing) with only one man at a time? When you first meet someone do you date him and only him and ignore all the other ‘likes’ collecting in your inbox? Even if you don’t know if he’s The One? Is this the best way to discern if he is The One?

Do you believe it’s the ‘right’ thing to do or the only way to do it? Do you think you’d be considered naughty – or worse – if you dated more than one man at a time? First, I think naughty’s a great word to use about a two-year old who pulls the cat’s tail after being told not to, not a word to be applied to a grown woman. Unless you find it sexy 😉

Please allow me to try and change your mind. And before you say no and click, remember that the only way to truly change your life is to first change your mind. Hard as you try to do it backwards, your circumstances will never change until your thoughts about them do.

Now let’s be clear. I’m talking about dating more than one man at a time – coffees, dinners, long walks on the beach, baseball games, movies, bowling, etc. I’m not talking about engaging in multiple sexual relationships or meeting many different people’s children. Okay, now that that’s clear, let’s proceed:

Here are only 3 of the reasons I believe you ought to allow yourself to date more than one man at a time –

It gives you a sense of abundance rather than lack – and that changes your energy. Knowing that there are many men who might be right for you, and not just one who you better hold onto no matter how wrong, changes the way you present yourself to the world, and to the men in it. Abundance is an expression of love, lack and limitation are the antithesis of abundance. And doesn’t it make more sense to express love in your search for love?

It helps you really discern whether or not someone is right for you based on shared values, qualities, energy and compatibility before you become physically intimate rather than convincing yourself that he’s ‘the one’ while under the influence of a big ol’ jolt of oxytocin. And being a Smart Girl you know that physical intimacy is exponentially better when you’re already emotionally intimate. Just sayin’…

Maybe the greatest reason is:

It will create the most peace of mind you’ve ever had in your life around dating! You’ll be so busy fielding calls from so many men that you won’t be obsessing about why one man hasn’t called! Priceless.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!
Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I bask in the abundance of loving opportunities!

Acts of Allowing

Have you heard of the Law of Attraction? One description I’ve heard is that by concentrating on either positive or negative thoughts we bring either positive or negative experiences into our lives, including people. The way it’s stated in popular culture is: we attract to us people who are at the same vibrational frequency we’re at ourselves.

There’s truth here, although it doesn’t tell the whole story about how we wind up where we are in life. And the pop culture sound bite leaves many people feeling bad about themselves. Some think they must be having negative experiences because they are in some way not enough and brought it on themselves.

I believe it’s not about who or what we attract to us; it’s about who and what we allow to stay with us. It’s not so much one law of attraction as it is many acts of allowing that create our circumstances – especially when we find ourselves repeating our experiences over and over and…

There are many, many different kinds of people in the world and if you spend enough time outside of your home you will, eventually, run into a lot of them. They’re out there and by simply walking down the street or standing in line at the grocery store – or going online to date – you will come into contact with bunches of different types of people. Some of them you’ll like and some of them you won’t. Some of them are nice and some of them are not. Some of them are for you and some of them are not. You are not calling them up or in or attracting them to you, you are simply being in the world and others are being alongside you.

How can you tell if you’re allowing? If you are on date number three (or 12 or 50) with a man who looks and sounds and acts a lot like the last man you dated – or like the one to whom you were married – and those were not happy times – and you ignore or excuse or justify the behavior and tell your friends and yourself that this time it will be different and you continue in the relationship even with all the warnings – that is allowing.

And remember, my Smart Girl who wants to change your life – If you spend your life allowing all you’ve allowed in the past you will just keep living the same life over and over – and over again. A Wise Woman knows when to pick up her toys, go home and implement a new plan.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I am allowed to be Powerful, Joyous, Wise and Free!

Full to the Brim!

In a recent interview Elizabeth Gilbert used the term ‘self-loathing.’ It’s not something we usually say about ourselves, right? Even though we attack, belittle and undermine ourselves, and practice insidious forms of self-sabotage, we don’t identify our own negative actions as being the result of our feelings of self-loathing – they simply are.

And while we talk about the concept of loving ourselves and we use the phrase self-love many of us don’t actually feel it and we don’t often say that we, or others, are filled with self-loving.

Now, I know there are some people who think self-love means being egotistical or narcissistic –it does not mean either of those things. As a matter of fact, I believe that egotism and narcissism are two disguises worn by insecurity to try and cover its tracks and are the opposite of true self-love.

Self-love is something you have and also something you do. It’s vital to the happy, healthy, lifelong relationship you are building with … yourself! And if you don’t yet, it’s something you can learn to have and do. Would you rather have a relationship with someone who is happy, healthy, positive, prosperous, generous and compassionate or someone who is – not? Especially when that relationship is truly, ‘til death do us part!

Our results do not determine how we feel about ourselves – how we feel about ourselves determines our results. If you’re waiting until you’re happy to love yourself you’ll be waiting a very long time. Especially if you’re waiting until you lose weight, get a better job, have a romantic relationship, publish your novel, whatever it is you think you need to achieve, to be happy! You must love yourself first – fill yourself with gobs of self-loving – and your sense of happiness will follow. Then the weight will come off (and stay off) and the job, the relationship, the novel will all fall in line, because you will be in alignment with your true, loving, lovable self.

Let’s start a movement of happy, healthy, positive, prosperous, generous, compassionate people who are full to the brim with self-loving and know it!

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I’m full to the brim with self-love!

What You Really, Really Want!

Do you ever think you want something but you tell yourself you don’t? I want to have my own business, I want to get married, I want to have more friends are all thoughts. But you tell yourself, it’s easy for her to start her own business; she has her husband’s salary to fall back on. It’s easy for women like her to get married; all men want someone who’s young and pretty. Of course she can make friends easily; she can talk to anybody about anything.

  1. Not every man in the world wants a woman who’s stereotypically ‘young and pretty.’
  2. Some people are born with certain attributes and skills and some aren’t and the ones who weren’t born with them – and want badly enough to succeed – learn them.
  3. If you believe that the answer to your happiness is always and only going to come from someplace outside yourself you will never truly be happy.

Everybody on the planet has strengths and weaknesses. Everybody has likes and dislikes. Everybody has some things they feel proficient in and some they don’t. When you give your brain the platform for putting you down, the ability to constantly compare you negatively to others you are, in actuality, speaking up for what you don’t want.

If you ‘think’ you want to be married and rather than learning how to achieve it you create a list of reasons why other women can do it and you can’t, in effect you’re saying you don’t really want it. Same for friends. Same for starting a business or whatever your dream is. You don’t want badly enough to attain success, what you really really want is to remain the same – comfortable. Unsatisfied, dissatisfied and comfortable.

Speak up for what you want rather than what you don’t want. When you think to yourself, ‘I want what she’s got,’ then you follow that with, ‘it’s easy for her, she gets things handed to her, it’s not easy for me, I don’t have the skills, the connections, the …’ it’s just fear creating excuses. Stop allowing your fear to convince you that due to some outside force that has nothing to do with you, you can’t have what you want, because if that’s the case you don’t really want it, do you?

Anytime you say, ‘Yeah but’1 it’s different for her because I’m this age, and this height and this weight and I don’t have a trust fund or a husband or those skills – you’re simply making excuses. You’re fighting for your perceived limitations. And the reward for fighting for your limitations is that you get to keep them!2

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I’ve got what it takes to get what I want!

 

1,2 Thank you to Chellie Campbell for the lessons on ‘Yeah Buts’ and to Howard Fine for the insight regarding limitations.

Pick-Me-Up

The baggage we carry in life is not our past experiences; it’s not simply our having a history of relationships that have gone ‘wrong.’ The baggage is the action of carrying the memory of those experiences forward into every new relationship and expecting it all to happen again now the way it did then. (If you haven’t already, read last week’s post: Great Expectations!)

Our beliefs fuel our emotions, which propel our actions, which create our results. If you believe that you’ve got baggage, and you are currently dating a brand new man and you believe he is just like all the others, (or you have the belief that all men are alike) your beliefs are creating your result. You chose to date a man who is similar in one way or another to the ones you’ve dated before. You expect him to act the way the others have acted, and you are acting toward him the way you have acted in the past. Yes, it’s true, you are; you just don’t see it.

And then you wonder why every relationship you have is just like all the ones before.

I have a very wise friend, an 85-year old man who, whenever he hears a woman say, “All men are alike!” says, “When you’ve met one man you’ve met one man.” And he tells men the same thing about women.

Wise woman, put down your bags and pick up a new insight. Change your approach. Try something new, just for the heck of it! Treat the new man sitting across from you for the very first time as if he’s a new man sitting across from you for the very first time!

This is one way to stop repeating the mistakes of your past and step into the life, love and happiness you want, deserve, desire.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I approach every new relationship with openness and curiosity!

Great Expectations!

When we look around the world, at different people who live very different lives, it’s easy to believe that some people don’t get what they deserve and that others don’t deserve what they get.

The truth is; while we might not always get what we deserve we will most often get what we expect.

Your expectations are your beliefs about what life has to offer you and they are what enable you to be in the game rather than simply watching from the sidelines. If you believe that life happens to you, that you have no control over what happens in your relationships or work, that your life results are at the effect of other people and circumstances, you have sidelined yourself.

Louise Hay made a statement that delights me! On her audio How You Can Use Power Thoughts she says, “I give to life exactly what I want life to give to me.” Life is a two-way street! We don’t just wait to see if Life thinks we deserve goodness, we interact with Life and create the experience we want!

Do you think often of the things you want from Life? How often do you think about the things you can give back, the things you need to give back in order to have the life you want, to be in the game and not merely a bystander? One of those things is your expectation of good. If you want Life to give you Abundance! Joy! Peace! yet you only ever give back the expectation of lack and limitation that’s all you’ll ever experience. As a matter of fact, that’s how you are creating your experience.

How do you do it? How do you change the way you think so you can change the way you feel so you can behave differently and ultimately have different (Better! Richer! More Fun!) results in your life? How do you change your expectations?

One of the things I do is consciously shift my thoughts. When I’m in a situation where I can see the possibility of negative thinking (or when I catch myself after the negativity has started) I go into my pantry of possibility and pull a positive thought off the shelf. When you look for opportunities to change you’ll find them all around you.

I currently live in Los Angeles and the roads are perpetually under construction. There are signs posted in every work zone that say, “Expect Delays.” Are you one of the many people who spend hours of every week being angry because of all the delays, or are you more like me?

The moment I see one of those signs that says, “Expect Delays” I always, always say to myself, “I only expect good!” Then I say it again. And again. And…

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I expect good things at all times in all ways!

Looking for Love? Be Single!

I had the best time at Speed Dating! It was held on a sunny Saturday afternoon on the second floor of a restaurant overlooking the water. The women all sat in high-back chairs at tables along the windows and the men got to do the moving. Two amazing things about this arrangement occurred to me immediately.

The first is – I felt like a queen! I sat on a throne while 21 men came to me one by one, sat down and did their best to be dazzling – what more can you possibly ask from a Saturday afternoon? 😉

The second is – because of the sun coming through the windows into their eyes, and us sitting in high-back chairs the men saw us all almost in silhouette. Some of them mentioned not being able to see me very clearly. So they had to rely on hearing what I said and I got to see them very clearly! Usually it’s men who go by what they see and women who go by what we hear, so this turned science on its ear! I saw, and told a couple of men that they had beautiful eyes, sparkly greens and blues – how often do women notice men’s eyes? How often have you ever noticed, appreciated and complimented a man’s eyes?

Afterward I shared my experience with a woman I’d just met and she said she’d wanted to try Speed Dating but couldn’t get any of her friends to go with her. Huh? Why in the world would you want to go to any singles event – much less Speed Dating with a friend? (Or many friends, for those of you who tend to travel in packs or posses.)

Let’s say you did decide to go with a friend. And let’s say that friend and you are similar in look, in style, in age, in personality… It could happen. I have a friend who looks more like my sister than my sister. Even if your friend and you look nothing alike, the scenario might still go something like this:

You’ve completed your event and it’s time to choose the men you’d like to meet afterward. What if you and your friend choose the same men?

Will you decide to let your friend ‘have’ them, so as to preserve the friendship (or because you think she deserves to have love and you’re okay spending every Saturday night for the rest of your life watching Antiques Roadshow?)

Will she let you ‘have’ them for the same reasons?

If either of you allows the other to ‘have’ them (and I keep putting this word in quotes because they’re really not yours to give) then what’s the point of you spending hours doing your hair and makeup and driving across town to attend this event if it wasn’t so you could meet men?

If you both decide to throw caution to the wind and choose the same men, what will happen if:

They choose you and not your friend?

They choose your friend and not you?

If you both choose the same men and those men choose one of you and not the other, well, I truly believe that would test the self-confidence of even the strongest woman I know, at least for a little while, and it would probably test the bonds of the friendship as well. Why risk it?

When it comes to singles events do as the title suggests – Be Single! You can always txt your friend afterward. Tell her how much fun you had and that you bought her a ticket for the next one!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

My intention is always to do well, be well and act from my highest self!

Intention Intervention

It might not feel this way to you now, although it is possible for you to have fun dating. What it will take first is your willingness to change what you think about dating. No small task – and totally worth it!

How is it possible to change what I think about dating? It’s the truth, isn’t it?

It might not be the truth it might simply have become your truth. What you believe is what you’ve grown to believe over time, your beliefs are simply thoughts you’ve been thinking for so long that you don’t remember every thinking anything different.

If you want something different you have to think something different. This will cause you to feel something different. And then you will act in a different way and then you will get a different result.

If you want a different result in dating you must change the way you think about dating! Part of that is learning how to set a new intention. Because I have a hunch… I believe that part of the reason you’re not having fun dating is because you’ve been going on dates hoping to meet your husband. You’ll have so much more fun on a date if your intention is to enjoy being on a date!

Creating a happy marriage is a process, and (aside from arranged marriages), that process has many steps that involve social interactions. Social interactions are, by definition, social, which is fun, not work which is … work! Start by setting the intention that you are going to enjoy each step in the process of creating your relationship. When you set an intention to enjoy each step you will look for ways to do that and you’ll find them.

The way to set a successful intention is to decide on the outcome you want that is totally dependent on you – it’s the result of an action that you will take in a particular moment. An intention is not something you hope someone else may do in response to your action.

Example – instead of trying to look or act a certain way hoping that he’ll ask for a second date really look at him and act like yourself – find the things about him that you like, see how he’s good, nice, quirky, kind – invite fun into your thoughts and you’ll have a lot more fun on your date!

Can you set an intention that is totally dependent on you – a decision you will make, an action you will take – that will bring you peace, calm, joy?

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

My intention is always to do well, be well and act from my highest self!

Declare Your Independence!

Are you having fun learning about yourself? Are you seeing little quirks and behaviors that are sweet and silly and help make you who you are and that you love about yourself?

Maybe your journey of self-discovery isn’t fun at all. Do you think that the ‘little’ quirks and behaviors are really major boulders or craters in the road? Does facing these things make you feel bad about yourself, or have others made you feel bad about it?

First, I want to commend and celebrate you for doing the work! There are a lot of people who won’t even try to learn about themselves because they’re afraid of what they’ll find out. Many people are so convinced that there is something terribly wrong with them that they won’t allow themselves to plumb their inner depths. They would rather live in a little bubble where they can think of themselves as perfect, and continue to not be happy, than risk having their bubbles burst by having to see things they consider bad.

When you can accept that you don’t like something about yourself and love yourself as a whole person anyway you will achieve a freedom that is indescribably liberating! That is what can help you move through life with confidence. And that is what enables you to live a joyous life, independent from the past beliefs of lack and limitation that held you back.

Feeling confident is what can help you move forward with the things you want to do, the purpose you want to embody, the success you want to create. Not only can self-confidence – true, deep-felt confidence – help you create the loving relationship you desire, it helps you manifest all that you desire. Your confidence enables you to feel sure of your decisions, take your next actions and achieve your desired outcomes in every area of your life.

How to tell? Take an inventory of your life right now, and I bet you’ll see that the areas in which you feel you’ve achieved success are the same areas in which you feel confident of your abilities and self-worth. But understand also that you’re not confident because you achieved success, you achieved success because you felt confident – your feelings fueled your actions and your actions created your results.

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I am a human being who is free to be imperfect, and lovable and loved!

Date to Date!

Why do you date?

Really, I’m serious – why do you date? I can hear you right now saying, Um, Lena, if I don’t date I’ll never get married and I want to get married.

Now, let me ask you this –Do you have fun going online to see who ‘likes’ you and who you might like? Do you have fun going to bars and clubs or the Laundromat, to see who you might meet ‘organically?’ Do you have fun while on dates? Do you enjoy the process of dating?

Through personal experience I’ve discovered a secret Law of the Universe that has radically changed my romantic interactions and ultimately, my life, and it’s changing my clients’ and friends’ lives for the better as well!

Date to date, not to get married.

I don’t mean that you sign up for ‘short-term dating’ or ‘hookups,’ I mean that you honor each step in relationship building as its own important, standalone component in the process, give it the attention and respect it deserves and enjoy it in the moment. I promise you that you will have a lot more fun dating if you treat your dates as fun things you get to do rather than dreaded impositions you need to get through to get to the goal.

You can’t date because you want to get married someday. Well, you can, but that’s the way you’re doing it now and you’re not having much fun, are you? You don’t have fun dating because you decide on the first date that this guy’s not your husband and it goes downhill from there. Here’s a truth – in that moment he’s not supposed to be your husband, he’s supposed to be your date.

I want you to have as much fun dating as I do, not just hope it’ll all be fun after you say I do! I want you to enjoy the entire process, feel desired, feel joy, wallow in the abundance of good men in the world! And one way to do this is to be open to allowing this man to be who he’s supposed to be.

How? Go on dates with men not because you think each might be your husband, go on dates with men because you think each might be a fun date – date only because you’re interested in finding out more about that man, because you have things in common, because you’ll have fun doing whatever activity is decided upon – that’s it. Set the intention that you will enjoy the date and the best way I know to do that is to look for reasons to enjoy it. Gather all the positive evidence you can – look for the good – in him, in the location, in the circumstances – look for the good everywhere. (Here’s another secret: I’m experiencing incredible joy all the way around as I’ve done this in all aspects of my life, not just dating!)

My clients know that when they’ve been on a date the first question I’m going to ask them is – What three things did you like about him?

Because here’s the thing about us humans – when left unattended our thoughts seem to wander into the Land of Negativity. If we don’t take control of them and turn them in the direction we want to wind up, they’ll take us down a path we never intended to follow.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I always find what I’m looking for – and it’s all good!