Practice, Practice, Practice!

What is the point of a romantic relationship?

I believe that they occur for the same reason any other relationship does – so that each one of us can grow. Every situation we encounter in life has the potential to be a lesson for us and the other people involved our teachers.

If we’re open (to learning) and honest (with ourselves) and vulnerable (ah, there’s a scary word!), each relationship, each interaction, really, will take us further along the road to what I think is the ultimate in self-improvement – true self-love.

It only works out this way if we allow ourselves to honestly see our part, take responsibility for what truly is our stuff, and change our behavior. All too often we don’t. Do you?

When a relationship has ended do you immediately blame him for everything that went wrong? Do your friends, in a display of misguided solidarity, tell you what they always thought was wrong with him and how you’re better off? Or,

Do you immediately blame yourself? Do you spin for hours over everything you said and did looking for the one thing that you ought to have done differently? (This is not honestly seeing your part; it is destructive to your ability to see your part)

Neither of these is helpful if your goal is to create better, healthier, happier relationships in the future.

Have you ever allowed yourself the time and space for the heated feelings to dissipate before you honestly evaluate the interactions you had and what you might learn in hindsight?

After a breakup a Smart Girl might say she understands what happened and leave it at that; a Wise Woman will seek to understand and then learn to change her behavior so that she doesn’t repeat the same mistakes again.

One thing I’ve learned in the last few years is that I’ve never really learned something by being taught it; I’ve only ever truly learned something by putting it into practice.

We’re on the cusp of a Brand New Year! Infinite possibilities, opportunities to start anew and create different results! How will you change? How will you grow? How will next year be different from this one?

Will next year be the year you’ll Have More Love?

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

In every moment I practice, I learn, I grow, I love myself!

Can You Feel the Love?

What is it that is so devastating about the end of a relationship? Is it the need to redesign the future? Is it the instinct to question the past?

After an ending that caught me totally by surprise it occurred to me that the thoughts causing me the most pain were that I wouldn’t feel loved and also, I would no longer be able to love this person because he said he didn’t love me.

I mean, I’d gotten quite used to the feeling and the act of loving him and now I’d have to stop loving him – and not feel loved myself – simply because he didn’t have the good sense to love me.

This was totally unacceptable.

Do you think of love as an emotion, a noun, a mystical, magical feeling that occurs without any action or control on your part? Do you believe you can feel love only when someone else loves you? If this is true it makes sense to believe that if someone who loves us leaves us we will no longer be loved, so we will no longer feel love.

I don’t believe it’s true.

I bet that if you think about how you physically feel when you’re angry you’ll realize you feel tense, hot, tight, – you feel angry when you are angry. It’s the same thing with love.

Love is an action, a verb; it’s by acting on it, by loving others, that we feel love.

A few years ago I had a short relationship with a man who I adored and who said he adored me, although his actions never matched his words. Meaning, he said he wanted to see me and couldn’t manage to actually show up. I let that go on for 6 weeks. And I let myself howl at the moon for a year and a half after, full of righteous indignation until the day I was sick and tired of feeling angry. So I had a radical idea. What if I just decided to love him? From that moment on anytime I thought of him I’d think, “I love you and I wish you a good life.” I honestly don’t know if he’s having a good life, but from the very first thought I felt better!

A weight was lifted off my heart.

It’s a method I’ve employed ever since. After the end of my next relationship it took me a few months to work through all the phases and start to love him again.

And this most recent ending that blindsided me?

On Friday night I discovered the feelings I’d been having were not mutual. On Saturday morning I awoke feeling sad about not loving him anymore, then realized the choice was mine. Not only could I, I’d better keep on loving him. Not for him, for me. For my sake, my feelings, my sense of peace and my ability to love unguardedly again.

Will it happen overnight and without a hitch? No. Will I put this into practice perfectly? No way. There will be ups and downs, tears and fears, steps forward and giant leaps sideways.

I will be perfectly imperfect in my pursuit. But allowing myself to sit in feeling sad, mad or devastated without being in the process of feeling love instead is no longer an option.

I choose to engage in life from love.

Want to join me?

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I feel loved when I love!

Another Idea Worth Spreading

I did it! Yesterday I was onstage at TEDxBartonSpringsWomen 2018!

 Now that this portion of the experience is complete, I’d like to share some of what I thought about doing a TED Talk and some of what I learned is actually true about doing a TED Talk. (Here’s a link to last week’s post describing a little bit of what got me there  https://lenaehrenberg.com/2018/11/28/an-idea-worth-spreading/)

I thought in order to be eligible to stand on the dot I would have to have proven my worth by having either built a multi-comma business or being seen by others as an expert in my field.

I thought that once I was rocking that business success or expertise they would seek me out.

I thought that at that mystical date in the distant future when I’d be doing a Talk I would feel 100% confident and ready because of all the ways I’ve listed above that would have proven my worth from the outside.

The truth is I was accepted because the organizers felt I had an idea worth sharing that I developed from having had personal experience of it and seeing evidence of it in others.

The truth is a good friend forwarded an application with a note that read, “This isn’t the right time for me now, what about you?”

The truth is that throughout this process I’ve vacillated between 100% confident and ready and 100% scared, confident and ready.

The truth I learned is that doing a TED Talk is like doing, or not doing, anything else in life. We have to say, “I’m going to risk failing at this.” and then we have to take the action; submit the application, ask for the date, do whatever it is we’re scared to do.

If we only measure our worth to the world by commas, percentages and what others think of us we’ll miss out on the worth in our humanity, the value in our experiences – and so will the rest of the world!

That’s another idea worth spreading!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I measure myself by my actions, not other people’s reactions.

An Idea Worth Spreading

In less than one week from today I will be onstage at

TEDxBartonSpringsWomen 2018!

The title of my Talk: What Are You Allowing?

The title came naturally from the idea I shared with the organizers. They thought my idea was worth spreading.

At its heart TED is all about introducing people to ideas. It’s about looking at things from a fresh perspective, elevating thought to higher levels so that we can discuss and debate, think and grow.

What it’s not all about is standing on a red dot and ‘going viral.’ Those are just some of the actions by which the ideas are spread. They are what you see, not the intended goal of the experience. They are part of the physical trappings.

It’s similar to creating a relationship. You may have a list of things you want your man to be, have and do. Being, having and doing items are attributes, physical trappings, not qualities. They are about the things you see, not the person he is.

In TED Talks the ideas are rooted in the presenters’ experiences and observations. That’s what makes them compelling. We’ve each made a discovery about how we fit into the world and about how we believe it could be better and brighter for all of us.

So let’s think about that in relation to your list. Are you looking for a partner whose values will complement your values, whose qualities will support the ways in which you fit into the world?

That’s an idea worth spreading!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I have an idea worth spreading and I’m sharing it in my unique way!

Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

It’s a day to actively acknowledge all the good you experience. It’s a day to consciously bask in your gratitude. It’s a day to think compassionately about our shared experiences. It’s a day.

It’s one day of the year out of 365.

What might your life be like if every day you choose to actively acknowledge all the good in your life?

What might your life be like if every day you consciously bask in your gratitude?

What might your life be like if every day you think compassionately about our shared experiences?

I’m offering you a challenge, Smart Girl, because I know you’re up to the task – for the next 364 days I want you to acknowledge good, bask in gratitude and think with compassion– and then meet me here next Thanksgiving and tell me all about your amazing life!

Happy Thanksgiving.

 

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I know how much good I have in my life and I’m thankful for it!

C’mon, Get Happy!

When I lose weight I’ll be happy.

When I have a boyfriend I’ll be happy.

When I get married I’ll be happy.

When I have a better job I’ll be happy.

When I have my own business I’ll be happy.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

Happiness isn’t magic. Okay, it’s magical, but it’s not magic. You don’t blink your eyes or twitch your nose and suddenly feel happy.

Have you ever woken up the day after a birthday and felt very different than you did the day before? Probably not. It’s the same thing with losing weight – you might feel smaller but you’ll still feel like you.

Especially if you’re a you who hasn’t learned how to deal effectively with any of the issues that caused you to overeat in the first place. It won’t matter that you’re wearing a smaller size dress if your neighbors expect you to always drive carpool and your siblings expect you to chauffeur mom to all her doctors’ appointments all while your boss expects you to stay as late as necessary to cover everyone else’s vacations. (That bag of Double-stuff Oreos is looking better and better, isn’t it?)

Same goes for the boyfriend or the marriage. You won’t feel instantaneously happy, you will feel weird, strange, odd, off-balance, off-kilter, however you explain it when it’s all terribly different, because after all these years (and for many of us it truly is years) it’s not just you anymore, there’s an entirely other human being waking up next to you – and he doesn’t think that a bite of leftover spaghetti and a Frappuccino counts as breakfast. (I know, weird, right? That’s what I said…)

Having a better job doesn’t make you happy, being happy will get you a better job. And – old joke – What do you call people who believe that starting a business will make them happy immediately? Employees!

The thing is, Smart Girl, you need to learn to be happy now. Right here, right now, where you are, while you’re doing what you’re doing and with whom you’re doing it. Happiness is not about things or places or people, it’s about what you’re thinking and believing and feeling about yourself in relation to those things, places and people. Your ability to be happy depends on how you are willing to be.

Then, when you’ve got the happiness thing down you can move it around to any situation, location or circumstance. And you will move right along with it!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

My happiness starts with me – and I choose to be happy!

The Right Voice!

At the start I was choked with indecision about how to proceed in developing my business. I read a lot of coaches’ newsletters and got a lot of professional advice offered to me during networking meetings and it went like this:

One coach said to build up my one-to-one client practice first, so I would have people available to introduce to my course. Or else I could spend a lot of time developing a course and have nobody to take it.

The next coach said to stop doing open-ended, ongoing coaching because it’s hard to sell and doesn’t get you known for anything. She said I should develop a course based on my personal expertise.

The business coach I hired said I should do whichever would bring me revenue first. When she asked which I saw for myself I said I had no idea, but I was going to write this blog post about it and try to figure it out…

Do you see similarities in your own life? Are there things you feel like you need direction about, yet you receive conflicting advice?

If there are various ideas about everything, what in the world can you do? How do you choose the correct path for yourself? By listening, not to the outside voices, but to the inner one.

But you may feel like there are conflicting voices in your head, too. How do you choose the right one and trust it? What if there’s a way for you to know which one is true?

Step one:

Learn how to differentiate between all the voices in your head.

Is there a voice that whispers to you, inviting you to pause and fully consider the idea just presented?

Ah hah! That’s it!

It may be new to you to trust your inner voice, so you’ll probably want to get started sooner rather than later. How about today? Today is good!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I hear the still, small voice loud and clear!

Drop the Mask

When you meet a man for the very first time and he says or does something that you don’t like what’s your first reaction?

Are you curious? Do you give yourself time to observe him, and think about it and try to determine what his behavior represents? What feelings might he be having in that moment? What thoughts might he be thinking? Who might he be, in all of his human complexity?

Or do you judge him as a loser, a jerk, emotionally unavailable, a player, narcissistic or any of the myriad other titles being bandied about in the dating world these days?

Our actions and behaviors are what people see of us, they are how people experience us. They are the masks we wear in the world.

What if our relationships are meant to be opportunities for us to grow? (hint, they are) What if other people are gifts and when you judge them and label them as bad you’re pushing away those gifts? Open that gift – be open and curious and non-judgmental and allow yourself to wonder. That’s the first step to you actually changing your life.

Ask yourself why – really, why – are you attracted to him? Why are you attracted to someone who is aloof or standoffish or emotionally unavailable?

Here’s a big secret, Smart Girl: Having More Love is not about who you attract, it’s about who you are attracted to.

Once you allow yourself to see who you are attracted to you can learn why. And when you learn why you will know what has been stopping you from actually creating the love you’ve been saying you really, really want.

Sign up at www.lenaehrenberg.com and get 14-Steps to Having Fun Dating! It’s a roadmap to fun, and it will save you from taking any more wrong turns on your path to love.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I show my heart, my soul and my face to the world – no hiding!

“Numbers Game”

People say dating is a numbers game and I wholeheartedly disagree.

This suggests you should just date tons of people and eventually you’ll meet ‘the one.’

Um, no, that’s not successful in sales and it certainly isn’t successful in love. Unfortunately that’s what some new business owners think; that their product is good for absolutely everybody in the world and they just have to talk to absolutely everybody in the world and people will buy their product.

When I was young that’s how someone who claimed to be a very successful salesperson taught me. Worst time of my life. Whenever I was outside of my home I approached absolutely every person I saw and had the ‘conversation’ with them. I could never relax and I certainly wasn’t having the ‘life’ I was promised would come with the freedom of having my own business. I wasn’t free at all. I couldn’t go to a party without having those conversations, I couldn’t go to the grocery store or the car wash or relax at a spa. I couldn’t ever enjoy any event for what it was supposed to be. I wasn’t having any fun and I resented it, which certainly wasn’t good for my business.

Targeted marketing – know your customer so well that you know where they are most likely to be. You’ll know them when you see them and have a conversation with them about what you have to offer that fits them, then you’re providing a service and not just trying to ‘sell’ things to people who don’t want or need them.

If you’re going out with everybody you meet, if you’re agreeing to meet every man you’re interacting with online, if you’re telling your friends to set you up with every single man they know, because, “you never know’ and because you think it’s a question of numbers – you’re probably not having any fun dating, are you Smart Girl?

You probably have a lot of stories about men who don’t look like their pictures, who are older than they claimed, who aren’t what they presented themselves to be. And you’re using these experiences to bolster your conviction that it’s hard to date, and then you’re repeating over and over to all of your friends, “all men are … “ You’re collecting war stories on your path to love.

I want you to have stories like mine – I’ve met amazing men with whom I’ve had fun dates full of great conversations and they simply weren’t for me. Period. No drama. No negative generalizations. I tell love stories, not war stories!

But, Lena, how do I guarantee that I’ll go out with men like the ones you described? While there are no guarantees in life, there are steps you can take to make your chances of positive outcomes much more likely.

The process to having fun dating starts way before you agree to meet a man in person. It starts with you – knowing who you are and who will best complement you. And compliment you! 😉

Sign up at www.lenaehrenberg.com and get 14-Steps to Having Fun Dating! It’s a roadmap to fun, and it will save you from taking any more wrong turns on your path to love.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

Every person I meet is a chapter in my love story!

What’s Your Motivation?

How do you start to take an action? What do you think you have to think, or feel you have to feel in order to actually do what you say you want to do?

I’ve never been able to motivate myself negatively to take a positive action. And trust me, I’ve tried.

Telling myself I’m a fat slob has never enabled me to lose weight.

Saying I have no style doesn’t help me dress better.

Thinking I’m a loser hasn’t made me a winner.

“I can’t …” has never enabled me to.

If you think that focusing on your faults, shortcomings and all the things you don’t want is the way to create the thing you do want you’re doing it backwards.

If you believe that thinking of all the reasons a man won’t want you is going to make you behave in a way that will be attractive to men you’re doing it backwards.

If you think that telling yourself (and everybody within earshot) that men don’t want a woman of your age, your weight, your intelligence, your income is going to attract the man of your dreams you’re doing it backwards.

You know how I know?

Because you’re not creating the relationship you say you want, you’re creating just the opposite of it – nights, weeks, months, years of being alone with your soul-suckingly negative beliefs.

You can’t move forward if you’re acting backwards.

If your man was in your past you would have already met.

Sign up at www.lenaehrenberg.com and get 14-Steps to Having Fun Dating! It’s a roadmap to fun, and it will save you from taking any more wrong turns on your path to love.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I think, feel, act and move forward!