When You Know You Know

“When you know you know.” How many times have you heard someone say that and wondered, But how? How did you know? How do you know?

How many times have you said it yourself? If you’ve said it I’ll bet it was in the context of having decided someone was a “No.” “I don’t need to go out with him again, he’s not for me. When you know you know.”

It sounds so immediate, doesn’t it? I thought that’s what was supposed to happen, that I would know immediately that this person was or wasn’t for me.

Except, what if you don’t really know until you know? And what if you haven’t given yourself enough of a chance to really know? That’s probably why you wonder how to know – because you were just going with your default reaction and you weren’t really knowing.

I know this will come as a shock to you, Smart Girl, but life isn’t actually like the movies. There are probably not going to be fireworks shooting when you meet your one. You might not feel a torrent of lava-like heat running through you – it might only feel like a trickle of lukewarm water. You might not feel warm at all.

You need to learn to overrule your default because that’s what got you where you are today. And where you are today is not where you want to be tomorrow.

You need to start looking for ways to count men in rather than out or you will, eventually, run out of men. And you’ll still be single.

Tough love? Yes. And tough love will get you to True Love.

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And when you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I know myself in each moment and I know that I know!

Time for a Good Wallow

March 8th was International Women’s Day. Many people see it as a marker of how much we have accomplished – and how much further we need to go. In the past I’ve been guilty of getting so caught up in how much further we need to go that I forgot to celebrate. So this year I decided that, for me, this was simply a day to celebrate women – and celebrate the stroke of good fortune that allows me to be one!

We are exquisite beings! Intelligent, strong, capable, loving, forward-thinking, perceptive, inquisitive, determined, practical, effective, discerning, tenacious, audacious, gutsy, watchful and willing to do the work.

Oh, and some of us are also nurturing, gentle and kind. But, you know, not all of us. 😉 And not to the exclusion of everything else.

A few weeks ago I talked about celebrating your accomplishments, and how when you don’t do that you start to feel like a person who doesn’t accomplish anything.

When was the last time you celebrated yourself just for being you? Just because you exist?

When was the last time you sat down and made a list of all your amazing qualities? (Lena, stop with the lists!)

I want you to write it down so you can see it. This is your evidence list. I want you to be the attorney starting a case for herself – and the first step is discovery.

Then in those moments when you start to doubt yourself, your choices, your strengths and abilities I want you to pull out your list and wallow in the evidence of who you really are and how much you really accomplish.

Wallowing in all the good you do and have and are – that’s what I call a celebration!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And when you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I celebrate with wild abandon all the good I do and have and am!

THIS is What Taking Action Feels Like!

I am about to accomplish a goal.

On March 28, 2018 I hit ‘send’ on what I intended to be the first of a full year of blog posts.

With the exception of one week of technical difficulties beyond my control I have posted my blog every Wednesday since then.

But what’s the result?

Funny, but I’ve never thought about the difference between achieving a goal or a result – I always thought they were different words for the same thing, but now that I’m staring it straight in the eye I realize they’re very different.

A goal is a thing, a tangible representation, it’s ‘what we have to show’ for our effort and we know we’ve achieved it because we either have the ‘thing’ or we don’t – we’re either married or we’re not, we’re either VP of Sales or we’re not, we’re either 25 pounds lighter or we’re not, we’ve either graduated or we haven’t.

Results come from the process of going after our goal, all the things we’ve had to learn on the journey. What I’m discovering now, first hand, is that results aren’t what we have to show they’re how we’ve had to grow.

Showing is about what we see. Growing is about who we become.

So here’s why I wanted to share this with you, Smart Girl. I know you wanted 2018 to be the year you created the loving partnership you’ve always dreamed of. And now you think that since you’re not in a relationship you have ‘nothing to show’ for your entire year of dating.

If you were my client (and you are, in this moment) I’d tell you to stop beating yourself up because you didn’t attain your goal and do something much more productive. Rather than focusing on the thing you don’t have, focus on the results you created!

I want you to write down the answer to these questions. Yes, I said write them down. With a pen. On paper.

How am I different now than I was a year ago?

What did I learn about myself by going out on all those dates with all those different types of men?

Who am I now that I wasn’t last year?

What are my values, interests, passions?

Who is a better match for me now?

You’re probably so different now that you ought to be looking for a different type of man – and you might not have known that consciously if you hadn’t written it all down. 😉

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And when you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I am in full control of every result I achieve, and I am in action!

I Believe I Can Fly!

I love to sit on my porch and watch the birds at the feeders. The hummingbirds are usually quite territorial; they arrive in twos or threes, zooming around, chirping and chasing each other to get out of the way – I’d wondered why there are 5 openings on the feeder when I’d only ever seen one bird at a time drinking the sweet water.

One sunny afternoon I was sitting with a dear friend, remembering another dear friend who had recently passed away and I heard the buzzy racket of the hummingbirds. I looked up and much to my surprise two were drinking side by side! Two hummingbirds at once! Then another joined them, then another. For almost a minute there were four hummingbirds side by side by side by side drinking in peaceful harmony.

On another day I noticed a mourning dove on the roof. She hopped off and was heading straight down. Only after she’d been in free-fall for a long moment did she flutter her wings and fly.

Do you decide ahead of time that something can’t possibly be different than it ever was before? Do you believe that since you’ve never had the kind of relationship you want it means you never will?

Those hummingbirds were willing to have a different experience of their relationships. Are you?

Do you believe that you have to know exactly each step to take, that you have to have every move worked out ahead of time to lead to your goal before you can start?

That dove was willing to step out into the air and catch a current on which she could soar. All she had to know ahead of time was that she could fly.

And so can you.

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And when you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I see perfect models all around me, I take lessons from them, and I soar!

Celebrate NYE AYL

So, we’re 7 weeks into the New Year and … is it still feeling new to you?

How are you doing with the goals you set for yourself? Are you moving forward, reaching higher, stretching farther?

What small steps have you achieved on the way to your Big Goal? Have you stopped to smell those roses? Celebration fosters a sense of accomplishment. Not celebrating, not even acknowledging, having a “so what, I’m not done yet, that doesn’t count, keep moving” attitude fosters the sense that you’re not getting anything done. And over time you start to see yourself as someone who doesn’t get anything done. Then that’s the story you tell yourself and … how will you get your goal accomplished if you believe you’re someone who doesn’t get anything done?

See how that works? You’re not not reaching your goal because you’re unable to you’re not reaching your goal because you’re telling yourself you’re unable to. Because you’re someone who doesn’t get anything done. Because you refuse to acknowledge all that you get done.

Oooooh, sneaky! You mean it’s my thinking again?

Yup.

Listen, Smart Girl, you and I have been together long enough for you to know that I don’t blow smoke and I don’t pat heads. I don’t tell you things in the hope that it will make you feel better.

YOU are in total control of getting everything you want to have in your life.

YOU. NOW.

You do get things done. Every. Single. Day. Important things. Things that will lead to the life you really, really want. So stop telling yourself you don’t.

And this way you get to keep celebrating New Year’s Eve All Year Long!

If not for yourself, then do it for me. C’mon, when was the last time I asked you for anything? 😉

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

All my accomplishments are my steppingstones and I celebrate each step!

 

There’s a Reason It’s Called SELF Care!

I felt so good when I posted my blog last Wednesday!

I felt powerful. I felt respected. I felt loved.

I didn’t feel these things because I got compliments from others. As a matter of fact, I haven’t gotten any feedback at all, so as far as I know, it’s possible nobody even read last week’s post.

I shared last week (https://lenaehrenberg.com/2019/02/07/the-diamond-rule/) that I almost didn’t post by the end of the day and then realized I didn’t want to pass up meeting an obligation to myself.

I felt these things because of what I think about fulfilling an obligation to myself. I think I showed myself respect, so I feel respected. I think I showed myself love, so I feel loved. Both of those feelings together make me feel powerful!

That’s the most important reason for you to create goals for yourself and then schedule the time to perform the necessary tasks toward creating them – and treat those calendar items the same way you would treat an obligation to another person.

And the impact isn’t just about meeting one solitary obligation. Showing up has a snowball effect. I did it at the last minute last time, today I got back onto my original schedule and am writing ahead of time so I can post first-thing on the appropriate day.

Smart Girl, if you had a date with a man you really liked you’d put it on your calendar and then get ready and show up for it – wouldn’t you? You’d show up for him.

Well, isn’t it time for you to show how much you like yourself? Show up for your SELF as willingly and fully as you do for a man about whom you are excited!

Hmm, maybe you’re showing how much you like yourself by not showing up…

A man who treats you with love and respect will appear when you deserve to be treated that way – and you always deserve to be treated that way. (Hint, he’s already here.)

You’ll see him and accept him when you believe that you deserve to be treated that way. And the way you’ll know that you believe it is when you treat yourself with the same love and respect you want to receive from a man.

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I treat myself with love and respect because… just because!

The Diamond Rule

What do you do when you are obligated to do something for which you believe you need motivation – and you’re just not feelin’ it?

And by obligated, I mean that you’ve promised yourself that this time you will do this thing – write a blog post, paint a picture, clean your closet – something that will help you in some way. You haven’t promised someone else, just you.

Do you even consider the promises you’ve made to yourself to be obligations? I didn’t used to. Now I do.

Like sitting down to write this post at 10pm so that it will still be posted on Wednesday – at least in my time zone. I am obliged to no one but myself to post a blog every Wednesday for one year. I’ve already sacrificed one to the forces of technology; I’m not about to lose one to ‘my day got away from me and now I don’t feel motivated.’

Because that would truly be a loss.

To myself.

I was talking to someone today who said that she thinks if she takes at least a small action on a task that will create motivation to continue with that project to completion. Then she said sometimes it works, sometimes not. Usually not.

That’s because she’s trying to do it backwards. She’s trying to take an action in order to create a feeling that will enable her to take more action. But it’s not our actions that fuel our feelings, it’s our feelings that fuel our actions. And what creates our feelings? Our thoughts.

So, if you want to motivate yourself to perform a task that will create a result, decide on a thought that you can think that will create a feeling of motivation – then, as they say, just do it.

When I realized that this one post plays a huge part in my achieving my goal of posting a blog every Wednesday for an entire year I felt motivated to take the necessary action.

I set my timer for 20 minutes and I started to write.

And the result will be not only that I will move myself another week closer to my intended result, I will also fulfill an obligation to myself.

My words and actions will match.

I will treat myself with as much respect as I treat others to whom I have obligations.

I will treat myself with as much respect as I wish others to treat me.

All that good in 20 minutes – imagine what you could accomplish in that amount of time!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I live by the Diamond Rule – I treat myself well and I don’t worry about how others treat me! Because the way they treat me is indicative of how they feel about themselves, not me.

 

Change Your Mind and the Rest Will Follow

What has radically changed your life?

I bet you’re trying to think of something BIG that has happened to you, right?

We’re taught to believe that there are these huge events that will happen and that everything will change in an instant. Who taught us that? It can’t be the people who raised us, because they were taught the same thing and they already know it’s not true.

The truth is, it’s small, sometimes tiny, things; decisions, actions that really bring about change.

And each of those small changes begins with a shift in thought. But, OMGoodness, that’s what feels cataclysmic!

Changing my thoughts – can I do that? Yes. Yes you can. I mean, what I think is the truth, isn’t it? No. No it’s not. It’s not the truth it’s only become your truth by repetition. You already know my only New Year’s Resolution – to make different mistakes than I made last year. No repetition.

If I had to identify the one thing that has radically changed my life, changed my results, changed my day-to-day experience, it is that I am now willing to examine my thoughts, question my auto-responses, change my mind about … anything. Everything.

Smart Girl, I know you want your life to be different. But that life that you are holding out there away from you waiting for it to suddenly be different is actually made up of all the thoughts you have inside of you. It’s your life. It won’t change unless you do.

Do you want to spend another year alone viewing other women’s loving relationships from the outside?

Or would you rather spend this year together enjoying your own loving relationship from the inside?

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I choose my thoughts with care – that’s my self-care!

Meet You in the Middle

I want to tell you about a man I am very privileged to have known. His name is Sam Christensen and he was a mentor, a teacher and friend, a casting director, a lover of words and believer in the power of artists, authenticity and storytelling. He was also a mighty, beloved raconteur. (if you don’t know what that means, please take a moment to look it up – it’s what Sam would have wanted you to do and it’s worth it.)

There are a lot of people spending a lot of time wishing that their past had been different, because they could have been happy now. There are a lot of people spending a lot of time hoping that their future will be different because they will be happy then. But when you spend your thought energy on the extreme edges, either dwelling on the past or dreaming of the future, you miss the part of your life that is the only part that matters, the part you’re living right in that moment – the part in the middle.

One of the lessons that Sam taught all of us who were fortunate enough to have known him is that life is lived, and happiness is found, in the middle. That’s the part that deserves our attention. It’s where we laugh and cry and connect with other people. It’s the only part where we can truly be happy, because it’s the only part where we truly be.

Do you wish you were in a loving relationship? Rather than thinking you have to wait to be married to start your happiness look at all the relationships that you are in now. Look at your friends and your family, your art, your creativity, yes, even your business or career. You are in relationship with all these people and things, and there is a lot of love there.

Am I suggesting that any of these is a replacement for a romantic partner? No.

What I am saying is if you can’t feel, acknowledge and receive the love you already have you won’t be able to recognize the love you think you want.

Love only ever looks, feels and acts like love. And it finds us in the middle.

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I am living my life and creating my love smack dab in the middle!