C’mon, Get Happy!

When I lose weight I’ll be happy.

When I have a boyfriend I’ll be happy.

When I get married I’ll be happy.

When I have a better job I’ll be happy.

When I have my own business I’ll be happy.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

Happiness isn’t magic. Okay, it’s magical, but it’s not magic. You don’t blink your eyes or twitch your nose and suddenly feel happy.

Have you ever woken up the day after a birthday and felt very different than you did the day before? Probably not. It’s the same thing with losing weight – you might feel smaller but you’ll still feel like you.

Especially if you’re a you who hasn’t learned how to deal effectively with any of the issues that caused you to overeat in the first place. It won’t matter that you’re wearing a smaller size dress if your neighbors expect you to always drive carpool and your siblings expect you to chauffeur mom to all her doctors’ appointments all while your boss expects you to stay as late as necessary to cover everyone else’s vacations. (That bag of Double-stuff Oreos is looking better and better, isn’t it?)

Same goes for the boyfriend or the marriage. You won’t feel instantaneously happy, you will feel weird, strange, odd, off-balance, off-kilter, however you explain it when it’s all terribly different, because after all these years (and for many of us it truly is years) it’s not just you anymore, there’s an entirely other human being waking up next to you – and he doesn’t think that a bite of leftover spaghetti and a Frappuccino counts as breakfast. (I know, weird, right? That’s what I said…)

Having a better job doesn’t make you happy, being happy will get you a better job. And – old joke – What do you call people who believe that starting a business will make them happy immediately? Employees!

The thing is, Smart Girl, you need to learn to be happy now. Right here, right now, where you are, while you’re doing what you’re doing and with whom you’re doing it. Happiness is not about things or places or people, it’s about what you’re thinking and believing and feeling about yourself in relation to those things, places and people. Your ability to be happy depends on how you are willing to be.

Then, when you’ve got the happiness thing down you can move it around to any situation, location or circumstance. And you will move right along with it!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

My happiness starts with me – and I choose to be happy!

The Right Voice!

At the start I was choked with indecision about how to proceed in developing my business. I read a lot of coaches’ newsletters and got a lot of professional advice offered to me during networking meetings and it went like this:

One coach said to build up my one-to-one client practice first, so I would have people available to introduce to my course. Or else I could spend a lot of time developing a course and have nobody to take it.

The next coach said to stop doing open-ended, ongoing coaching because it’s hard to sell and doesn’t get you known for anything. She said I should develop a course based on my personal expertise.

The business coach I hired said I should do whichever would bring me revenue first. When she asked which I saw for myself I said I had no idea, but I was going to write this blog post about it and try to figure it out…

Do you see similarities in your own life? Are there things you feel like you need direction about, yet you receive conflicting advice?

If there are various ideas about everything, what in the world can you do? How do you choose the correct path for yourself? By listening, not to the outside voices, but to the inner one.

But you may feel like there are conflicting voices in your head, too. How do you choose the right one and trust it? What if there’s a way for you to know which one is true?

Step one:

Learn how to differentiate between all the voices in your head.

Is there a voice that whispers to you, inviting you to pause and fully consider the idea just presented?

Ah hah! That’s it!

It may be new to you to trust your inner voice, so you’ll probably want to get started sooner rather than later. How about today? Today is good!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:

I hear the still, small voice loud and clear!

Drop the Mask

When you meet a man for the very first time and he says or does something that you don’t like what’s your first reaction?

Are you curious? Do you give yourself time to observe him, and think about it and try to determine what his behavior represents? What feelings might he be having in that moment? What thoughts might he be thinking? Who might he be, in all of his human complexity?

Or do you judge him as a loser, a jerk, emotionally unavailable, a player, narcissistic or any of the myriad other titles being bandied about in the dating world these days?

Our actions and behaviors are what people see of us, they are how people experience us. They are the masks we wear in the world.

What if our relationships are meant to be opportunities for us to grow? (hint, they are) What if other people are gifts and when you judge them and label them as bad you’re pushing away those gifts? Open that gift – be open and curious and non-judgmental and allow yourself to wonder. That’s the first step to you actually changing your life.

Ask yourself why – really, why – are you attracted to him? Why are you attracted to someone who is aloof or standoffish or emotionally unavailable?

Here’s a big secret, Smart Girl: Having More Love is not about who you attract, it’s about who you are attracted to.

Once you allow yourself to see who you are attracted to you can learn why. And when you learn why you will know what has been stopping you from actually creating the love you’ve been saying you really, really want.

Sign up at www.lenaehrenberg.com and get 14-Steps to Having Fun Dating! It’s a roadmap to fun, and it will save you from taking any more wrong turns on your path to love.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I show my heart, my soul and my face to the world – no hiding!

“Numbers Game”

People say dating is a numbers game and I wholeheartedly disagree.

This suggests you should just date tons of people and eventually you’ll meet ‘the one.’

Um, no, that’s not successful in sales and it certainly isn’t successful in love. Unfortunately that’s what some new business owners think; that their product is good for absolutely everybody in the world and they just have to talk to absolutely everybody in the world and people will buy their product.

When I was young that’s how someone who claimed to be a very successful salesperson taught me. Worst time of my life. Whenever I was outside of my home I approached absolutely every person I saw and had the ‘conversation’ with them. I could never relax and I certainly wasn’t having the ‘life’ I was promised would come with the freedom of having my own business. I wasn’t free at all. I couldn’t go to a party without having those conversations, I couldn’t go to the grocery store or the car wash or relax at a spa. I couldn’t ever enjoy any event for what it was supposed to be. I wasn’t having any fun and I resented it, which certainly wasn’t good for my business.

Targeted marketing – know your customer so well that you know where they are most likely to be. You’ll know them when you see them and have a conversation with them about what you have to offer that fits them, then you’re providing a service and not just trying to ‘sell’ things to people who don’t want or need them.

If you’re going out with everybody you meet, if you’re agreeing to meet every man you’re interacting with online, if you’re telling your friends to set you up with every single man they know, because, “you never know’ and because you think it’s a question of numbers – you’re probably not having any fun dating, are you Smart Girl?

You probably have a lot of stories about men who don’t look like their pictures, who are older than they claimed, who aren’t what they presented themselves to be. And you’re using these experiences to bolster your conviction that it’s hard to date, and then you’re repeating over and over to all of your friends, “all men are … “ You’re collecting war stories on your path to love.

I want you to have stories like mine – I’ve met amazing men with whom I’ve had fun dates full of great conversations and they simply weren’t for me. Period. No drama. No negative generalizations. I tell love stories, not war stories!

But, Lena, how do I guarantee that I’ll go out with men like the ones you described? While there are no guarantees in life, there are steps you can take to make your chances of positive outcomes much more likely.

The process to having fun dating starts way before you agree to meet a man in person. It starts with you – knowing who you are and who will best complement you. And compliment you! 😉

Sign up at www.lenaehrenberg.com and get 14-Steps to Having Fun Dating! It’s a roadmap to fun, and it will save you from taking any more wrong turns on your path to love.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

Every person I meet is a chapter in my love story!

What’s Your Motivation?

How do you start to take an action? What do you think you have to think, or feel you have to feel in order to actually do what you say you want to do?

I’ve never been able to motivate myself negatively to take a positive action. And trust me, I’ve tried.

Telling myself I’m a fat slob has never enabled me to lose weight.

Saying I have no style doesn’t help me dress better.

Thinking I’m a loser hasn’t made me a winner.

“I can’t …” has never enabled me to.

If you think that focusing on your faults, shortcomings and all the things you don’t want is the way to create the thing you do want you’re doing it backwards.

If you believe that thinking of all the reasons a man won’t want you is going to make you behave in a way that will be attractive to men you’re doing it backwards.

If you think that telling yourself (and everybody within earshot) that men don’t want a woman of your age, your weight, your intelligence, your income is going to attract the man of your dreams you’re doing it backwards.

You know how I know?

Because you’re not creating the relationship you say you want, you’re creating just the opposite of it – nights, weeks, months, years of being alone with your soul-suckingly negative beliefs.

You can’t move forward if you’re acting backwards.

If your man was in your past you would have already met.

Sign up at www.lenaehrenberg.com and get 14-Steps to Having Fun Dating! It’s a roadmap to fun, and it will save you from taking any more wrong turns on your path to love.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I think, feel, act and move forward!

Miscarriage of Justice

Are you like the woman I met the other day?

She doesn’t vote.

Even now.

She hears what’s being said, she sees what’s being done and she says, “I’m not political.”

Even now.

If you think you’re not political you’re missing the point. You have been politicized. Your body. Your mind. Your memories. Your human rights and dignity.

This week, for the second time in recent history, we have been shown that our government ignores the rights and belittles the dignity of sexual assault victims.

The conviction rate for rape and sexual assault is abysmally low. I believe it’s because men are not actually tried for committing sexual assault, women are tried for failing to prevent it.

This week a woman, a woman who had nothing to gain and everything to lose, was put on trial for not having prevented her own assault as a teenager and she was found guilty.

She did it in service to try and stop our government from committing a grave injustice.

And has become commonplace in our society, whether in the case of sports events or political showdowns, it’s not enough that they ‘won,’ the victors are setting fire to whatever they know will burn hottest.

In their eyes it’s not enough that she is guilty of not stopping him, they must uphold a vision of his absolute purity. It’s not that he tried to do something he didn’t realize was wrong – it never happened. She lied.

She made it all up for … what possible reason could this woman have for throwing herself into that den of lions? She’s been humiliated, vilified, and had her life and the lives of her entire family threatened.

This is not the motivation of a liar.

The ‘victors’ are the liars.

Remember this when, on November 6, you decide whether or not to exercise your right to vote.

It’s a right that was won for you by women who also willingly threw themselves into a den of lions. Women who sustained physical and mental threats, attacks and injuries; as well as the loss of some of their homes and families.

So, in actuality, women’s ability to vote is not a right so much as a privilege.

There is a reason that along with great privilege comes great responsibility. When you choose to not exercise your privilege to vote you shirk your responsibility by allowing others, with no personal stake in the outcome (other than what they consider their empirical right to make everyone live according to their rules) decide for those of us who have a very personal stake in the outcome.

When you choose to not exercise your privilege to vote you tell other women, especially all who have faced those lions, that you don’t care. You tell them that you are unwilling to help them right this grave injustice perpetrated against more than half the population of this country – including you – and that’s just the way the current administration, which betrays women every day, wants it.

Why Do The Work?

Why do we do this work?

Have you ever truly taken stock, taken a personal inventory, really gotten to know who you are, what you want, what you believe? Knowing yourself is the first and most important step in finding your true love and creating the relationship you want to have, rather than settling for the up-until-now’s you’ve gotten.

Have you ever had a birthday? A number that ended in a zero? When you woke up the next day did you suddenly feel different? No, you felt just like the you you were the day before. That’s why you need to learn to be happy now, because you won’t just wake up the morning after your wedding and suddenly be happy. You will feel exactly like you.

Have you ever lost a lot of weight? After wearing all your smaller size clothes once, you start to feel the same, don’t you? Your body just starts to feel like your body, you get used to your weight again and you forget that you’ve gone through this physical change. Because it’s only a physical change – all of the emotional stuff that you had going on before the weight loss is still there.

That’s why diets don’t usually work, because the loss of weight is just the exterior, it’s literally on the surface, and what you really need to clear off is the emotional stuff you were avoiding feeling. With many diets the weight won’t come off because the physical weight is not the issue. And the reason that so many people who actually do lose weight gain it back is because of what I said earlier – you’re going to wake up one day and realize that although the weight is gone your issues aren’t and if you’re an emotional eater, someone who eats to soothe yourself during trying times, you’re going to eat that weight right back on.

That’s why you can’t just keep throwing yourself out there and dating without addressing your patterns, behaviors and the issues that you’ve been carrying around with you, because if you do, and you do meet men, you’ll just keep repeating all your same patterns and behaviors.

You need to learn to love yourself now because getting a boyfriend while you don’t love yourself, while you feel like you’re not enough, while you’re looking for someone else to love you so you don’t have to is not the answer.

Nobody can love you enough if you don’t love yourself. Have you ever tried to compliment someone who kept deflecting all your kind words? How frustrating is that when a person won’t accept your honest attempts to show them love and kindness? It can actually feel insulting, right? That’s what it will be like for the men you date! Aren’t you looking for a man to offer you love and kindness? If you deflect his attempts he may very well feel insulted, think that you don’t really want what he has to offer because you won’t accept what he’s offering. No man will ever be able to love you enough, no man will ever be able to assure you enough that yes, you are enough – until you learn that for yourself.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I love myself, I respect myself, I value myself and I appreciate others who do as well!

What’s In It For Me?

Are you accountable to others and not to yourself? Always doing fully and quickly for everyone else who asks, never getting around to doing things for yourself? Always putting others’ needs, wants and desires before your own?

You might be saying, no, you’re not like that at all, but here’s a test. Is there something you keep telling yourself you want that you don’t yet have, or that you haven’t even started to go after?

Do you want a better job, and yet you don’t go looking for one out of fear that you won’t find something that will pay the bills as well as this one does and you feel obligated to bring home that much bacon? Or do you simply not look because you work straight through lunch, late every night and you’re too exhausted by the end of the day?

Do you want to be in a loving, romantic, committed relationship and yet tell yourself that you don’t have time to go online or, worse yet, you don’t have time to date? Are you saying this while you are driving across town to bring your child the lunch he forgot or the cleats she failed to put in her gym bag?

Have you heard of WIIFM? What’s in it for me? It’s usually a term we hear in relation to negotiations – each side is looking to maximize its own outcome. What if we need to start asking that question when we self-negotiate?

In order to change your circumstances and finally create the important things you want in your own life you must develop your ability to be accountable to yourself. You must put yourself first at least some of the time. And you must make time in your life to date!

By the end of that ridiculously long day I bet your boss has already gone home to his or her own family – and you’re going home to a frozen dinner and Netflix rather than a dinner date with a fabulous man.

I get it. It’s different with your kids, right? You want to teach them responsibility and you want to shield them from ever feeling a negative emotion so you think you have to drop whatever you’re doing and cater to their every need. Smart Girl, I have a question for you:

If you really want children to learn responsibility is it best for you to drive laps around town like a messenger service so there are no negative repercussions to their actions? Or is it better for him to have to use his allowance to buy lunch in the cafeteria or for her to sit out one game so you can go on a lunch date with a possible future mate?

Why should your boss plan ahead when she knows you’ll stay late to do something she could have asked you for weeks ago? Why would your children ever remember anything if they know Mom’s Messenger Service is only a txt away? If you really want to teach your children to be responsible you are going to have to let them step up and be … responsible! Their lives (and the lives of everyone else they ever meet) will be so much better if they are.

Sometimes, in addition to asking yourself, “What’s in it for me if I do this thing?” you also have to ask yourself, “What’s in it for me, or others, if I don’t?”

When we get into the habit of always putting others ahead of ourselves we forget that people, adults and children alike, are more resilient than we allow ourselves to believe. Here’s some straight talk for you, Smart Girl – if you don’t stop putting others ahead of yourself you will never have a different life. Ever.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

 

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

 

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

 

I take the best care I can of others when I first take the best care I can of myself!

Nervous Nellie

Lately I’ve been thinking a great deal about intuition and the difference between true, spiritually guided intuition and that ‘voice’ in my head. I call mine Nellie, ‘cause, you know, Nervous Nellie, Whoa, Nellie! If it can’t stop me from trying anything new, it will at the very least try to slow me way down. How do you tell the difference between a true angel message and that voice? Which one do you follow?

This is one of the most important skills each of us must learn for ourselves in order to reach our desired goals in life. What if it’s actually the most important life success skill of all?

There’s a school of thought that says the voice we hear constantly is ego, and that ego is the thing that keeps us separate from our true selves. Ego is the negative messages you play on endless loop, the constant barrage of “I’m not enough; I’m not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, I’ll never, I can’t, I won’t, what’s wrong with me?” It’s debilitating and pointless. And ultimately, it keeps you separate, not only from your true self, but from everyone else, too.

The intuitive angel messages are positive. They point you in the right direction. They make you feel good – or at the very least, they don’t make you feel actively bad. They provide useful information and guidance.

Messages from advertising and the media are world ego. The endless barrage of negatives, the fear-based stories are meant to make you feel bad. To be perfectly blunt – unhappy, frightened people buy more stuff – consequently the media and advertisers both have a financial interest in keeping you unhappy and scared – and shopping. It is in these interactions with people who want us to buy things that we must most firmly stand porter at the door of our own thought.

Angel messages are God’s ideas whispered to us, and their motives are pure. When I’m conflicted, not sure if the voice I’m hearing is angel or ego I’ve learned to ask, “Where is this thought leading me?” and “How is this thought making me feel?” If it’s simply a thought that beats me up or down, blames, shames or belittles me, if it makes me feel exhausted or makes me decide to not do something new, to stay at home and seek comfort in the familiar with no supporting reasons and no other options, I chalk that up to fear – fear of change, of growth, of learning. That’s ego. When the voice is leading me to take one action over another and the acting leads to growth that is an angel message. That is leading me to something rather than simply keeping me from something.

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!

Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I can trust my intuition and I follow where it leads!

 

Undateable?

When I was dating online I noticed that a lot of men posted photos that were not great. Some were taken from too far a distance, or they were out of focus, or he was wearing a cap and sunglasses (what’s up with that?) or – the ones I really couldn’t understand – there were two men in the pic. Um, which one are you? I would occasionally come across a photo that I thought was so good – a photo that said, “This is who I am.” And usually his profile was just as direct and well written.

There was one man in particular who, based on his pictures and profile I really wanted to get to know better – until I saw that he was separated. I personally don’t date men who are separated and not yet divorced. I know there are a lot of people who do, and that’s the point of why I’m writing this. I decided to do what I always did online with men who I thought were great yet not great for me – I messaged him and said that I thought his pictures and profile were the best I’d seen in a really long time and I was sorry that I wasn’t going to meet him because I don’t date men who are separated. I wished him great success in his search for love and said that based on the little I already knew about him I knew he’d find it.

He wrote back a day later, thanked me and said I wasn’t the first woman who’d told him his status made him un-dateable. That statement startled me. I never said he was un-dateable, I said that I chose not to date men who are separated.

How many times have you allowed someone else’s preferences to define you? Have you ever believed you were too fat, too thin, too smart, too stupid, too loud, too mousy, too much or not enough of … something, anything, because a man had a preference for something (someone) different?

What if, rather than declaring, “I’m un-dateable” he declared, “Maybe you don’t date men who are separated so I’ll meet women who do.

Rather than making yourself wrong based on a man’s preferences, what’s your declaration about your value, your qualities, your self? Say it loud and proud – “Maybe you don’t date women who are just like me, so I’ll meet men who do!” And you will!

I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.

Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!

Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at info@lenaehrenberg.com and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.

What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!

Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:

I define myself by who I am, not by other people’s preferences!