Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – to Thine Own Self Be True

Relationships, Love, Knowing Yourself, What You Really Want vs. What You think you want

 

To thine own self be true.

This is how you know yourself.

A few years ago I was about to cut across a parking lot to save myself a few steps, when I looked down and saw the ground was splattered with oil stains. I mean, for the first time in my life I really saw what I’d been walking on. In that moment I decided I was worth more. 

Enriched romantic relationships involve caring for each partner with respect and treating each other with dignity and the only relationship you’re guaranteed to be in ‘til death do you part is the one you have with yourself. 

I’m inviting you to think deeply about what caring for yourself really means, and to question the choices you’ve always made – especially the ones you’ve made for the sake of convenience. Self care is more than convenience and treating yourself with dignity and respect has a more long-lasting effect than the few seconds you may save. And if you’re looking for a partner who will treat you with dignity and respect, start that process now and be your own best partner!

In that parking lot I decided that going forward I’d always choose a dedicated walkway, for cleanliness and safety. I’ve applied this philosophy of respect vs. convenience to other values too, like choosing to buy whole fruit and cut it up myself rather than buy it pre-cut in plastic containers. The peace I feel in being actively aligned with my values is so much greater than any feeling I ever got from something being convenient.

When you start treating yourself every single day the way you want to be treated every single day that is going to truly enrich your life!

This is how you trust yourself.

One day last year I was leaving my neighborhood grocery store. There’s a little patch of grass at the curb and not only do I prefer to walk on a sidewalk than the parking lot, I would always rather walk on grass than pavement. I paused on this little patch of beautiful green grass and thought to myself, “I am so grateful to have a market I can walk to, and the ability to buy groceries.” And then it occurred to me that I was as happy in that moment as I could possibly ever be. Even if I were leaving the grocery store in Paris (living in Paris is a life dream/goal) and even if I were in a relationship with a wonderful man, I couldn’t be any happier than I was then.

I stepped off the grass and saw something on the sidewalk that looked like crumpled up money. I looked up and down the sidewalk and there was nobody there. I thought at first I’d found a dollar on the street and when I picked it up I saw that it was actually a twenty dollar bill.

If you think I was happy because I found $20 on the street please go back and read this again. I was already happy. I was already affirming to myself that I was happy. I was living fully in gratitude and affluence and I was practicing my own form of self care by walking across the grass and the sidewalk rather than the oily parking lot to save a few steps.

You know it doesn’t feel good when someone tells you he’ll do something and then doesn’t. Neither does it feel good when someone does something once and never again. Be the partner you seek. Enrich your own loving relationship with yourself. You learn to trust yourself by showing up for yourself over and over … and over again.

This is how you show up for yourself.

By the way, that was actually the second time I found $20. It happened again a third time, and I’m sure it will happen again. For a long time I had an affirmation; the universe is paving my path with twenty dollar bills!  

I don’t believe that I’m just lucky, I believe it’s because I am getting better and better at being consistent and honoring myself by showing up. You see, I found that third $20 lying on the sidewalk. I found it because I chose the safety and cleanliness of the sidewalk rather than cutting across the parking lot. I honored myself and saw the response.

There are a lot of good things in your life right now. Do you see them? Are you appreciating them and loving the life you have, or are you waiting for your life to look a certain way in order to be happy? If you believe there’s only one way for you to be happy, and it involves a certain man and a relationship with a certain label, you can make a different choice. 

You can have the enriched loving relationship you desire at any time, in any place. You can be happy now!

Consistently giving myself what I know feeds me in a truly nourishing way, being open, being available, being grateful, feeling affluent and abundant allows me to see what is true about my life right now, to feel happy always and enables me to see what is literally being dropped in front of me.

This is your life. The way it looks is up to you.

#havemorelove #havefundating #singleandspiritual #lovedating #lovemakeovers

#datingandrelationships #onlinedating #midlifedating

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business: Have It All Now

Have it all now, don't wait, you create all you want in life, love, dating, relationships, marriage

Here’s how:

Feel the way you want to feel then now.

Luxuriate in it. Revel in it. Absolutely soak in the feelings of desire, love and being cherished the way you would soak in a tub filled with foaming bath oil and rose petals.

This may sound a little crazy, but it’s the absolute truth – every feeling you want to feel at some time in the future is available to you right now. How is this possible? Because the way you feel is determined, not by your circumstances, but by what you think about your circumstances. 

  • If you want to feel desired or loved or cherished, start thinking about what that really takes. You are a woman who is desirable, lovable and worthy of being cherished, even if there is no man in your life at the moment. Creating that belief and truly instilling it in your own heart is the first step to feeling every feeling you desire.

 

  • Start to feel like a woman who is in a committed, monogamous relationship – like a woman in love. What must you think in order to develop those feelings? And once you’re feelin’ her, how does she act? What does she say and do? How does she show up? How will you behave when you’re married? Do you think you’ll be very different than you are now? If so, figure out what you have to think to create the feelings that will fuel your actions, and do it now!

Pretty soon you’ll feel so loved and cherished and desired, and you’ll be exuding that energy, and you’ll be so attractive to so many people, you won’t even notice you’re not actually in a relationship. Yet.

Make time for dating now.

You are absolutely in love with your career and although that’s awesome, there are other things you want to be in love with as well. You want a partner, marriage and a family – you might not want to have children yourself, but you might … or you might be open to a partner who already has children. Either way, a big step on the way to marriage is being in a committed, monogamous relationship.

You know how you always say you will make time to be in a relationship but you don’t have time to date? Make time now. If you don’t make time to date, you won’t know how to make time to be in a relationship. You won’t know how to make different choices than the ones you make now. Being in a relationship will not magically enable you to say no to working overtime or always being the one to babysit your nephew at the last minute.

Telling yourself over and over that you don’t have time to do something you want to do, that will enable you to create something you want, isn’t serving you. It’s actually making it hard for you to believe you’ll ever have it. And when something is hard for you to believe, how motivated do you feel to take all the actions necessary to go after it?

It starts to feel more like a job, doesn’t it? And you’ve already got a job, what you want is to create balance and a right order in your life by giving more time and attention to your love relationships and less to the business ones. That takes you doing something different than you’ve done before.

Be happy now.

Postponing your happiness into the future is making you feel like someone who doesn’t ever get what she wants. And when you constantly feel like you don’t get what you want in life one of two things can happen. Either you’ll get burnt out and stop going after what you want; (i.e. quit dating) or when you do get what you want (falling in love with your absolute right match!) you won’t recognize him because you’ve set yourself up to believe you can only be happy when you’re in a relationship at some distant time in the future, not now.

Happiness is a feeling, and as you saw above, every feeling that you might possibly want to feel at some time in the distant future is available to you right now.

I realize this may be a foreign concept, because it’s so different from what we’ve all been taught about life, right? We’re supposed to go out and get something or do something or be something different, and then we get to feel different. But the truth is, it’s the exact opposite! 

Your thoughts are creating your feelings. Your feelings are fueling your actions. Your actions are ultimately creating your results. You think, you feel, you do. That’s the truth of how you have what you have now and how you get what you want instead.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

This is your life. Having everything you want is up to you.

 

#havemorelove #havefundating #singleandspiritual #lovedating #lovemakeovers

#datingandrelationships #onlinedating #midlifedating

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – 3 ways to create the right balance

Are you afraid you're doing something wrong because you don't have the life you want yet? Love, marriage, relationships, dating, trying new things

Do you feel like you’re doing it all wrong because you don’t have the life you want?

Celebrate all the steps on the way to the big goal.

There are a lot of people who only celebrate birthdays that end in a zero. And perhaps doing something that infrequently makes one inclined to think it has to go exactly to plan or else it doesn’t count.

For my 50th birthday there was a group of people who I cared about who cared about me, and food and laughter and a cake with candles and lots of good wishes! 

But for a long time whenever I thought of that evening, all I remembered was how it didn’t go according to plan. I thought about the man I’d met 6 weeks earlier who, when I said I was thinking of taking a trip for my birthday, asked me to please stay in town. Who said if I was here we would definitely celebrate my birthday together! He texted me at 3 minutes to midnight to say, “I want to be the last person to wish you a happy birthday.” 

I’d looked forward to that milestone with a specific expectation and when it didn’t happen I ruined the memory of it for myself.

I’m not waiting for 10 years to pass before celebrating again. I’ve planned a party for each of my birthdays since, and my guest list is filled exclusively with people who mean the most to me, not people who I hope I mean something important to. And every year there are more and more people!

Measure your transformation, not by what happens on one particular day, but by what is happening in thought every day. When I am presented with a challenge that looks familiar and I create a different result than I ever have before, that’s a win worth celebrating. 

Celebrating completing small goals moves you toward achieving your big goal. You think you’ll celebrate when you get there, but I can promise you that won’t happen. You might not even realize you’re there, or you may decide it’s not really a big deal at all and just set another, bigger, goal. 

Celebrate you and all your accomplishments!

Surround yourself with whatever you find beautiful.

As you can see, I love to be around flowers. I think they’re all beautiful in their own unique ways – just like people! And seeing them makes me happy!

What do you find beautiful?

Take a good look around you right now and really see what you are surrounded by. Is there beauty in your sight-lines every day? It doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive or one of a kind. It might be a flower in someone’s garden or a laughing baby, or two neighbors talking and smiling at each other.

There are enough things in the world that we encounter every day that are hard and rough and ugly and after a while it might seem like that’s all there is. And when your life is skewed all the way to one side that’s when you are out of balance. 

There are some people in the world whose lives are skewed all the way to the ugly side. They are out of balance, they feel terrible and so they can be quick to tell you you’re wrong to want beauty, love and joy. They may say you’re weak or not serious enough or wasting your time focusing on the wrong things. 

Life is not supposed to be ugly or hard and you don’t have to suffer to prove you’re worthy of … anything. Must you do hard things sometimes? Yes, although there is a world of difference between doing hard things and life being hard. You are here because you’re already worthy.

It’s not weak or lightweight to have beauty in your life, it’s the affirmation of life!

Have, feel and express gratitude.

Possibly the #bestgiftever

I live where the earth moves, so keep a flashlight and shoes under my bed.

I ignored it for years, and the batteries corroded and leaked and now it’s impossible to open it.  (Lesson learned – replace batteries every time you change the clocks.)

December 15th –

   He: I know we’re not exchanging gifts, but I’d like to get you a new Maglite.

   Me: Yes, thank you!

December 24th –

   He: I know you like purple, so I searched until I found one. And then, when I opened the package to put in  the batteries I scratched the plastic lens, so I replaced it with a glass one.

Would you be grateful to receive a flashlight from a man? 

Or do you think that a flashlight is a terrible gift and a man who gave you one doesn’t care about your wants and desires or just isn’t ‘romantic’ enough for you?

Moral of the story:

A flashlight is an expression of wanting to provide protection and safety.

A purple flashlight with batteries and an upgraded lens is an expression of taking into account my preferences and showing attention to detail and excellence and willingness to go the extra mile.

For all of those things I am extremely grateful!

How are people expressing love in ways you may not have recognized as such?

How have you expressed love in ways others didn’t recognize?

This is your life. Balancing it is up to you.

#havemorelove #havefundating #singleandspiritual #lovedating #lovemakeovers

#datingandrelationships #onlinedating #midlifedating

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – Do I Want To Be Single Forever?

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Being Single, Staying Single, Dating After 39

 

You know the answers to all your own questions. But do you want to?

The thing about asking a hard question is, sometimes you need to give yourself a hard answer. And if you’re not willing to do that, nothing will ever change.

In my twenties I wanted to be married and have a family and a house in the suburbs and a husband who took the train to work in the city every day. 

In my thirties I wanted to be married and have a husband who had a career that took us to exotic locales all over the world and I would have an amazing career helping other expats acclimate to their new surroundings.

It was sometime in my forties after a breakup that felt achingly familiar that I finally admitted to myself I might not ever be married because I wasn’t dating men who I actually wanted to be married to. 

I was dating men who looked good – on paper, in pictures, in suits. But I wasn’t dating men who felt good – in my heart, in my soul, in my vision for my life.

If I said I wanted to be married then why was I dating men I didn’t want to marry? In hindsight I could look around my entire life and see where I said I wanted things and was consistently taking actions that led me away from those things, not toward them. But if you’d pointed that out to me at the time I would have told you that I get to like what I like and choose whomever I choose, which is true, although at times not at all useful. 

How many times have you said you get to like what you like and choose who you like?

If you say you want to be married, why are you dating men you don’t want to be married to? There’s safety in being able to continue life as you know it. I got to live where I wanted, have the friends that I wanted, stay up watching TV all night if I wanted and shop every night after work because nobody was waiting for me to come home for dinner. None of that sounds like a worthy tradeoff – what’s the real deal?

I got to be right about the negative beliefs I’d had about men for so long. 

And I got to hold tight to the negative feelings I had for myself.

I didn’t have to change.

Just be willing to be willing to try something new.

Choosing to date men based on one or two characteristics that are not important is something I see women do all the time. It’s a hard habit to break, and yet if you don’t, nothing will change.

Be honest – are you in the habit of dismissing your list of important qualities for the sake of dark hair, tight abs or a megawatt smile? Qualities you see aren’t really qualities, they’re attributes – and attributes are more for the sake of people outside the relationship. They look good, but ultimately they don’t impact your day-to-day living. 

Here’s how I broke that habit. I became the woman who gets what she wants rather than defaulting to what she’s always had. I learned and accepted a new truth about men. Many men are exceptional and I decided to only seek out those who were. And the ultimate act of rebellion – I traded my negative self-belief for the glorious luxury of self-love and self-acceptance.

I decided to stop wasting time with men who didn’t want what I wanted, no matter their height or their hair color. When you master the art of spotting the green flags as well as the red, from the very beginning of the dating experience, you’ll begin to attract men you will want to marry – and who will want to marry you. And then dating becomes so much easier and a lot more fun!

So … Do you want to be single forever?

If you do that’s okay.

But if you really are committed to engaging in the enriched romantic relationship that until now you’ve only dreamt of, and if you want to be married, here are some things I can show you how to do that will change the rest of your life for the better.

Manage your thoughts. Developing beautiful, peaceful, uplifting beliefs about yourself and men is like sinking into a bathtub full of silky bubbles and water that is juuuust the right temperature! Pause for a moment and feel that. Don’t you want that experience more than you want to hold onto your negative self-talk?

Manage your emotions. Being cherished in the long run is more important and longer lasting than the temporary relief you’ll feel from choosing a man who looks good for now but doesn’t feel good for life.

Hold yourself lovingly. When you feel fear because you’re entering foreign territory you can offer yourself the same compassion you’d give to a timid child. Because in that moment, that’s what you are. That’s the reason you haven’t been able to create this on your own and it’s okay. That’s what I’m here for.

This is your life. The way you love in it is up to you.

Will I Be Single Forever?

being single not separate or alone

You know the answers to all your own questions. 

It’s the first week of July in 2021; let’s get to the heart of the matter. 

Your heart.

We are now officially halfway through the year and it’s time for you to revisit the commitment you made to yourself 6 months ago. You might have said you want to be married or in a committed relationship. You for sure said you wanted more work/life balance, and as I’ve assured you, work is part of life, not a separate entity. 

In order to achieve balance in life you need to embrace your personal as well as your business sides equally, not pit them against each other. Meaning, you can’t place your qualities on a scale and pick away at the things you don’t like until each side weighs exactly the same as the other. That’s diet mentality and it doesn’t work for your life any more than for your body because it doesn’t engage you to embrace the essence of who you are, it only keeps you focusing on what you think is wrong rather than loving what’s gloriously right!

Embracing all your facets means accepting who you are as you are, not waiting until something you don’t like changes in order to feel acceptable. And it for sure means first deciding for yourself what is valuable and worthwhile.

As long as you continue to value business over pleasure, work over play, and other people’s definitions of success over your own desire to be in a loving, monogamous, enriched romantic relationship, nothing will change.

You will continue to feel unbalanced – separated from your true, singular, spiritual self – in other words, you’ll feel single.

Are you willing to do for yourself what you want a man to do for you?

Ah, but here’s the rub; the thing that might be holding you back is, in order to embrace putting yourself first you need to embrace all of your facets. All of you. Even the parts you aren’t crazy about. Especially those parts.

How many times have you said you want a man to love you for who you are and then declared the large size of your thighs or the small size of your bank account to be absolutely unacceptable?

How many times have you wished for a man to tell you he loves you and cherishes you just as you are and then berated yourself for making a mistake and declared yourself unworthy of being loved?

How many times have you sought a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you and then couldn’t bear to sit with your own thoughts and either dove head-first into a gallon of ice cream, poured yourself a large glass of cabernet or ran out to buy something to take your mind off your mind?

But how can you possibly embrace things about yourself that you just don’t like? Learning how is your work. This is that place you’ve heard other people say they don’t want to go, although if you’ve read this far, you’re not like other people.

If you want to feel cherished by your life partner, you’ll need to start that ball rolling on your own. Self-love, self-compassion, self-respect – pretty much every phrase that starts with self – is what you need to learn to cherish yourself, for yourself, with yourself. This is what will open the door to finding the partner you seek, a man who will cherish these things alongside you, not instead of you.

Have you looked in a mirror lately?

And if so, what did you see?

Did the woman looking back appear happy? Well-taken care of? Hopeful? At ease? If not and you want to be, here’s something you can do. 

Honor yourself by taking action. Whatever it is that you said back in January you would do, if you haven’t done it yet it’s officially time. If all you make is excuses, the only difference between this year and last will be the number of times you wore slacks with a zipper rather than yoga pants.

Choose your personal relationships over your work. Do it already. The thing you haven’t done because it scares you – post a profile online, tell that woman at church you think her brother is attractive and ask if he’s unattached, strike up a conversation with the man you keep bumping into in the produce department.

Because it’s not just about saying you want something, or even writing it down; you’ve got to take action to activate your result. 

You know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Well, here’s my definition of staying single in a way you don’t want to be – always choosing work over play, business conversations over social interactions, waiting for someone else to embrace you rather than embracing yourself in all your essences and thinking thoughts that make you feel separate and alone.

This is your life. The way you live it is up to you.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business and the 3 secrets to excelling at work/life balance: #3

The only way to reach your goal, secret of reaching your goal, goals vs. intentions

Secret #3 –

In order to reach your goal,

you need to stop pursuing your intention.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – Your aim must be true.

What are your intentions? 

That’s the old-school question most often associated with dating, relationships and marriage. But the real question you have to ask yourself now is, is my intention to not risk feeling a painful feeling getting in the way of having the romantic relationship I desire?

Aren’t we supposed to set intentions for interactions? Yes, although… Sometimes, when it comes to wanting to avoid things, especially when those things involve our feelings, we don’t realize our intention is working at cross-purposes with our desire.

Say you’re someone who wants very much to be in a committed relationship, and perhaps be married one day. What qualities do you seek in a partner? Respect, compassion, generosity, ambition, fairness, the ability to get along with your family and friends and treat you well would all be great!

Yet when you meet a man who seems to personify at least a few of those gems you decide he’s “too nice” or “boring” or simply, “I don’t know, he’s just not for me.”

Perhaps it’s because the last time you went all in with a man who actually had all those qualities – a man you saw as your right match, who you were dreaming about having a future with – he broke your heart.

If you’ve ever said, I don’t want to have my heart broken like that again, that’s your intention! You may have a desire to be married, but if you are not connecting with men who are truly marriage material, you have been pursuing your intention rather than your desire.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – Feel your feelings.

Have you ever said the words, “I don’t ever want to have my heart broken again?”

And have you had fulfilling relationships (or fun dates) with men who could actually, for real, be your “one?”

If you answered yes to the first question you probably answered no to the second. Hmmmm, how’d she know that?

Because attaining, obtaining or acquiring anything of any importance or value involves risk. It’s called having skin in the game, which in business usually means money. In relationships it means feelings.

All of us want what we want because of how we think we’ll feel when we have it. You may have looked to the future and dreamt about feeling loved, desired, cherished and supported. Those are the feelings you think you’ll feel when you’ve reached your happily ever after, but the skin you’ll have to have in this game is the risk of feeling sad, mad, frustrated or even rejected while you’re in motion.

Here’s how I weigh a risk involving my feelings – if I have to risk feeling sad for a short while in order to be cherished for the rest of my life, I’m in!

How about you?

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – Be onto yourself!

So, what’s really stopping you from having the enriched romantic relationship, the life-partner, marriage and family, that you really, really want?

Is it true that there aren’t any good men out there, or that the men your age only want younger women, or don’t want commitments?

Perhaps the truth is that you’ve been standing in your own way in order to protect your heart from being broken. That makes so much sense, and yet it can’t help you get from where you are now to where you want to be.

If you are really going to have the relationship that up until now you’ve only dreamt of, you are going to have to do some things for its benefit that you might not want to do. They’re not illegal or immoral, they just might not be enjoyable – but only for a little while. Think of this as the compromise that comes in all relationships, but instead of compromising with your partner about who takes out the garbage, you’re going to compromise with yourself about feeling all your feelings.

Be willing to make a different choice.

Be willing to take a different action.

Be willing to feel any feeling.

It’s the only way to create a different outcome. 

And if you’re single and want to be married, a different outcome is the goal, if not the intention.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business and the 3 secrets to excelling at work/life balance No. 1

Dating, relationships, marriage, changing, risks

Secret #2 – You’ll know you’re doing it right if it feels wrong.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – Embrace the truth.

You know that if you want to have something different you need to do something different, so … if you want to enjoy more personal relationships in your life you’ll have to make some changes.

Change is uncomfortable. So if you do something different you will feel discomfort. Not because there’s something wrong, simply because it’s something new.

Doing something different causes discomfort and anything new is different, period. That’s the reason you’re not married – yet. Really. It’s not because your work is more important than your personal life or you’re the only one who can get it done, or there aren’t any good men out there or all men are commitment-phobes, or if it were going to happen it would have by now, or you’re unworthy. 

It’s just because people don’t like to feel discomfort – you don’t like to feel discomfort – so in each moment when you are called upon to choose between a date and a business “emergency” you fall back on your default rather than falling forward into romantic fulfillment.

You are going to have to say no when you’re used to saying yes. Saying, I’m sorry, I can’t deliver that tomorrow morning, I can deliver it tomorrow by the end of the day. How do you possibly say that to someone? By reminding yourself of your why. Why? Because I want to have a personal relationship as much as I want to have a career. And in order to serve my desire, I only work during work hours and I socialize during after work hours.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – Embrace the discomfort.

Been on a rollercoaster lately? I mean an actual roller coaster. It’s rare that you’ll ever find me on one because I don’t like the feeling of my stomach clenching and churning and my heart trying to escape through my chest on its way to my throat – and yet feeling those feelings is exactly the reason some people love to ride them!  

Think about starting a big new business project that has the potential to garner you positive exposure and a big, fat bonus. Chances are 99.999% that it will also come with stakeholders with a plethora of opinions who’ll be more than happy to tell you how you ought to be doing it. Do you feel excitement or fear? Elation or dread? Will you do it anyway?

If you’re reading this the answer is probably yes. When it comes to the pursuit of success in business you are much more likely to feel excitement or elation and also much more likely to be willing to risk feeling fear or dread. For some reason, though, when it comes to romantic relationships you’ll do whatever it takes not to feel those feels. You’ll even say yes to working late when you’re got a date. Especially with someone to whom you’re attracted.

Success skills are transferable and if you want to create an enriched romantic relationship – if you want to be married – you are going to have to transfer some of your risk-tolerance from business to the personal side of your life. You are going to have to allow yourself to feel discomfort.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – Embrace your new love!

There’s a benefit to you staying single, something you value, something you gain. Because if there wasn’t something in it you’d be out. If you want to be single, be single and revel in it! But if you want to be married, you need to know that what seems like a benefit is really just a story keeping you stuck in the endless loop of doing the same thing over and over while saying you want a different result.

You need to figure it out right now for two reasons. The first is that you need to see you’re not weak, you actually are creating an outcome that feeds you. The second is, in order to know what to change to create what you want you need to know what it is that’s keeping you from it. Makes sense, right?

This work isn’t easy, it’s imperative. But only if you want a higher-quality interaction with your partner from the start than many couples have in a lifetime. 

Learning what motivates you while you’re still single, finding out how you make decisions and why and what’s truly important to you now, is going to put you so far ahead when you’re in that romantic partnership you will cut out 90% of the growing pains. That’s the drama many couples experience when they’re each trying to adjust to being together after having been separate for so long. 

You get to be in your relationship on your terms. Why not do whatever you can to make them benefit both of you?

Stay tuned … Secret #3 is coming up!

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business and the 3 secrets to excelling at work/life balance

marriage, relationships, work life balance, choices, results, outcomes, intentions

Secret #1 – Work and life are not two separate things.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – All together how?

Does it feel like your life is a constant struggle to find equity, evenness … balance? Work is part of life and perhaps part of the reason you feel out of balance is because you think your non-work life is your time and work is outside of that, something outside your life that you’re trying to manage so you can get back to your time, your life.

Think of yourself as having one grand life, within which you get to have a plethora of different activities – some social, some business. You get to choose how much time you apportion to each activity – although I know it doesn’t feel like it.

If you want to create outcomes that you haven’t yet, maybe it’s because you keep apportioning your time in the same way that you always have. Here’s an example:

You met a man and he’s ah-may-zing! Well, at least you think he is so far; his picture is quite attractive, and reading his profile makes your heart sing!

You message, you txt, you talk, you’re all set to meet for dinner after work tonight and – wouldn’t you know it? A client calls just as you’re turning out the light to say they absolutely, positively need a proposal on their desk by 9am tomorrow. 

Or maybe for you it looks like your boss coming into your office just as you’re shutting down your computer to say that the entire quarterly earnings forecast absolutely, positively must be revised. Although the meeting’s not for two days, she’d really like to have it tomorrow so she can review it before the meeting.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – Who’s got the time?

Whether you’re in the driver’s seat of your own company or the C-Suite of somebody else’s, the “absolutely, positivelies” are exactly the same. And the question isn’t what do you do, my question for you is, how often have you done it? How often have you chosen working late over a date?

We don’t simply find the time for anything, if there’s something we really, really want we must make the time for it. And that means that if you want more social in your life you need to make different choices than you ever have before about your time.

No conversation about decisions and time would be truly complete without understanding the difference between values, priorities, goals and intentions.

There may be things in this world that you think are important, but unless you’re investing either your time or your money in them they are not priorities. 

You may value family, but if you keep choosing work over dating – a first step in creating a relationship – it’s not truly a priority.

Creating your own family by getting married may be your desired goal but if you keep choosing to date men who are in some way unavailable for commitment you are satisfying an unconscious intention and not actively pursuing your goal.

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – What’s the answer?

If you want to make a change in your relationship status you will need to make different choices and follow them up with different actions, or else it’s all just an exercise in futility. The good news is, you know how to do that; it’s part of the way you got to where you are in your career. You make more choices and take more actions before breakfast than most people do all day.

It’s time to ask yourself some useful questions, and hold yourself accountable for getting to the real answers. This is the time to dig deep, be honest, and show yourself the same kind of compassion you’d extend to a dear friend who asked for your help. Be kind and firm and don’t give up until you figure out what is holding you back.

Here are some questions to get you started:

  • How happy am I right now?
  • Where do I see myself in 5 years?
  • Do I see myself there single or married?
  • If I can only envision myself single, how come?
  • Do I really want to be married?
  • If yes, how come?
  • If no, how come?

You know how much time and money you save by engaging professional guidance to benefit your business. Professionals are also available to help you create the results you want in the social part of your life. 

Shhhhh … Secret #2 is coming up!

Lena Ehrenberg is a Certified Life Coach who specializes in helping female career professionals who have never been married learn how to make time for the romance they want without giving up the work they love. She can be found on a variety of social media platforms @havemorelove.

Dating, Marriage and Your Romantic Relationships – Marriage vs. You

Marriage vs. You, marriage, relationships, dating

 

Dating, Marriage and Your Romantic Relationships – Are you doing the right things?

There are too many high-quality, marriage-ready, communicative, single gentlemen on this app! 

Said no unmarried woman ever.

What I usually hear is, there’s nobody here for me, these men are all commitment-phobes, everybody’s married, they all only want sex, I need a different app!

What kinds of things are you doing to create the marriage you want? Are you posting a profile and great pics online, telling all your friends you want to meet someone, signing up for a dating service, decluttering, moving into a larger space, burning candles and saying affirmations to draw in your love?

Any one of these might be the right thing. Maybe none of them are. But here’s the real thing…

You are a woman who has achieved success in one area of your life – work. You’re either an employee with a high-powered, high level position in your chosen career, or an owner of a thriving business. 

I want to offer you a way to remind yourself of exactly how amazing you are, and how you are absolutely capable of creating the relationship of your dreams. Sit down and write yourself a letter, but not any ordinary letter. You’re going to write a list of everything you’ve ever accomplished – at work.

This is your evidence list. You’re going to call it that so that in the future if you start to doubt whether you’ll ever be married you can look at all the ‘evidence’ of what you’ve already achieved and gain confidence from your capability. 

You are a woman who gets things done and success skills are transferable. 

You know what to do. If you’ve been taking consistent action toward your goal of meeting a high-quality man to whom you can one day be married and you’re not married yet it’s not because you’re not doing the right things.

Dating, Marriage and Your Romantic Relationships – Are you doing the things right?

So, if it’s true that you’ve created all of these amazing achievements at work – and it is – then how come you’re not experiencing this nirvana in your romantic relationships? Is it possible that it’s not what you’re doing, but how you’re doing it?

Do you know the difference between doing the right things and doing things right? Doing the right things is about what you do. Doing things right is about how you feel while you’re doing. And feelings start with your thoughts.

I’m not suggesting I can tell you one right way to do anything, and if you’ve read books or taken classes that purported to tell you how, that could be the issue right there. The only right way to embark on the journey that will lead to marriage is to do it the way that honors, highlights, respects and embraces you in all your glory. That’s why personalized coaching is so vital!

Have you been trying to create love the way someone else says is ‘right?’ Stop it!

Have you noticed how you feel while you’re posting your profile or swiping through your daily matches or engaging in a conversation with a man you’ve met online? Are you finding very few candidates to date? Are you having any fun on the dates you do have?

If you don’t feel good, and you’re not having any fun, it’s time to stop the things you’re doing and figure out how to do the things you’re doing right.

Dating, Marriage and Your Romantic Relationships – Are you getting the things you want?

If you were managing an important work project you’d first decide the goal then determine the metrics that will tell you if you’re achieving it. And then you’d decide how to accomplish it which would include a fair assessment of whether or not you have the tools and skills necessary.

It’s exactly the same process in dating, relationships and marriage.

What’s your pleasure? Do you want to be married and have children, married with no children, blissfully cohabiting sans marriage? You get to do you.

How will you know if you’re achieving your goal? Well, if you’ve read this far I’d say you’re probably not there. Do you know how to create the outcome you desire when it comes to love? Do you have the tools and skills necessary to create love with ease and joy rather than the way you see your friends try to do it – with pain and suffering?

If you don’t currently possess those tools and skills it’s not a moral failing, a condemnation or a sign that marriage is not for you. It’s simply an acknowledgment that you’ve spent more time focusing on work than your personal life. For years you’ve taken care of everything except your personal desires – and I can help you change your focus and learn how to transfer those success skills from business to pleasure!

#havemorelove #havefundating #lovedating #singleandspiritual #lovemakeovers #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #midlifedating #onlinedating

 

Dating, Marriage and Your Relationship Toolbox

dating, relationships, marriage, tools, skills

 

Dating, Marriage and Your Toolbox

Dating, Marriage and Your Romantic Relationships – Tools

Never use a hammer and screwdriver to defrost a freezer.

Once upon a time, the freezer compartment attached to a refrigerator would build up ice. Periodically you’d have to take out all the food, turn off the cold air and let the ice melt. My mom used to speed up the process by putting in a pot of boiling water. And as the ice got softer, she’d pry it off with her fingers.

So, one day I decided to hasten the process along. Rather than waiting for it to get soft enough to pry off with my fingers, I decided to chip it off, tapping a screwdriver with a hammer the way a sculptor chisels away at a rock.

POP! Pssssssssssssssstttttttttt……….

That’s the sound of freon escaping from a punctured tube. Added bonus; it came with a shot of cold air into my face!

Of course I called my dad. He assured me I wouldn’t die from a short burst of freon and closed with his classic, “Well, I guess you won’t be doing that again, will you?”

Um, no.

If you’ve never been married and want to be, you need the right tools. Dating apps and sites are only part of it. Stop focusing on them and what you think of the men you find there. Because when you focus on that you stop seeing possibilities and then you get frustrated and start to feel hopeless, and when you feel hopeless you stop dating. 

Not dating doesn’t get you closer to your dream.

You are the most important tool in your toolbox; your qualities and characteristics, what makes you stand out in the most inviting, engaging way! When you learn how to harness the power of what you’ve already got – your exceptional, brilliantly unique YOU – that’s when you’ll shift from feeling frustrated and hopeless to meeting your mate! 

Dating, Marriage and Your Romantic Relationships – Skills

How, exactly, do you use a bandsaw? That’s the question I could have asked when I first got to the Habitat for Humanity building site in New Orleans. This was in 2010, years before I’d started to uplevel my life and all my relationships along with it. 

I didn’t yet understand that in order to create different results I needed to take different actions, and in order to do that I needed to feel different feelings, and for that I’d have to think different thoughts than I’d ever thought before. I needed different skills than I had at the time.

So instead, I just said, no. No, I don’t use heavy machinery. That’s okay, somebody else can do that.

It didn’t take me long until I asked someone how to use the bandsaw.

You may be doing all the right things like, telling all your friends you’re looking and meeting everyone they set you up with and going online and messaging people and going out on dates and reading books and you still haven’t met your right match.

There’s a world of difference between doing the right thing and doing something right.

Websites and apps and dates and books are just tools. It’s how you use them that makes all the difference between dating forever and meeting your forever partner.

Dating, Marriage and Your Romantic Relationships – Results

Sure, I could have continued to do all the same things I’d always done, in the same way I’d always done them; I could have continued to focus on all the things I thought men weren’t and all the things I thought they ought to be. I could have kept believing that they had to change for me to be happy. I could have kept chasing after every guy I met who didn’t want to be with me to try and make him want to be with me. I could have continued to put all the power over my happiness into the hands of men and kept ignoring the one thing that is obvious to me in hindsight – nothing would have ever changed. But that’s not how this story ends.

I’ve lived in three different states, and had a million first days on the job. I’ve also had as many first (and only) dates. 

I had changed absolutely everything possible outside of myself and yet my life wasn’t any different, and I certainly wasn’t any happier than I’d ever been before. I finally saw it – if my life had been a science experiment, I would have been the only constant. 

It was also glaringly obvious that I couldn’t figure out the solution for myself, because I honestly wasn’t sure exactly what the problem was. Was it my job? Was it the town in which I lived? Was it my confidence or lack thereof? Was it the app? Was it just … me?

I hired a coach and acquired the right tools. But just like with the bandsaw, it doesn’t matter what tools you have if you don’t have the skills to apply them properly.  And the most amazing thing happened – I started feeling happy with my life, just the way it was, even before any of it changed. And then I started having fun on dates even though the men hadn’t changed. And then everything changed!

#havemorelove #havefundating #lovedating #singleandspiritual #lovemakeovers #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #midlifedating #onlinedating