Refine, Renew and Love Your Relationships

love, relationships, marriage, dating, refine, renew,

 

This is a refinement of my first ever blog post from March 2017. At the time my intention was to share ideas and inspirations in a way that may bring you a different perspective and a smile. It’s still my intention today. 🙂

How do we as women succeed, when for generations success has been defined by men? What if more women aren’t generally considered successful, not because we can’t achieve the same level of success as men, but because we don’t want to achieve success in the way it’s been historically defined – making the most money?

You define your own success with love and money

My definition of success involves what I can DO with money – I will self-fund and run a foundation. It serves women and children who have to leave dangerous situations, and it’s named for my parents who loved nothing more than their home and family. I have a strong why and I am affirming my intention for the future in the present. 

Do you want to co-create a monogamous, romantic partnership with a man? What’s your strong why? I want to learn how to commit to something more important than just myself, while I also continue to grow. Do you want to be successful in your career? Why? I want to help as many women as possible create love partnerships, and live the lives they desire. 

Why do you want to do whatever it is that you want to do? What motivates you? It’s allowed to be different than what motivates other people.

You follow your heart in love and romance

The subject of motivation is vitally important because it’s the thing that keeps you in hot pursuit of your goal. It’s also one of the most misunderstood words in the English language.

Motivation means both the desire to do something and the reason for doing it and it’s a feeling. As I’ve mentioned before, feelings are what fuel your actions, and so you need to feel motivated before you can take the actions that will lead to your desired outcome. Why is it misunderstood? Because so many people think that if they do enough they will eventually feel motivated. That’s reversed – first you have to feel motivated, then you’ll do what you need to do to create what you want to create.

Decide what you really, really want. Create a belief that will support that decision and make you feel and stay motivated – and then you will do everything you can think of, for as long as you have to, until you create that exact outcome you want.

You live your own purpose in love and career

I’m passionate about helping women create massive amounts of success on their own terms. You are unique and whether it’s in business, family, friendships or romantic love, you deserve to live fully and abundantly in your purpose. Women make up approximately half the population of the planet; would any sports team succeed if half the players were kept on the bench? When women succeed we elevate all of humanity. The first step on the ladder of success is for you to define it for yourself. Fill in the following blanks:

I’ll know I’ve achieved success in my romantic relationship when _____

I’ll know I’ve achieved success in my career when ___________

Now hold up a mirror so you can see that there’s at least one area of your life in which you’ve already succeeded. You know you have.

Now that you’ve seen it in one area of your life, know you can do it again, wherever you desire. Success tools are transferable.

#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating  #datingat40 #midlifelove

Your 2021 story about Love and Marriage

love, love story, romantic relationship, marriage, dating

 

If, at the end of your life, you’ll get to tell whatever story you wish about your romantic relationships, what will you choose? I hope in that moment you would look adoringly at the partner with whom you’ve shared your most intimate secrets and most riotous joys and tell the story of how you treated yourself with love and compassion, never wavered in your determination to create the life you desired, invested the resources available to you, and were paid back tenfold with the most fulfilling relationship you could ever have imagined with your rightest match.

If that’s the story you’d like to tell, here are some ideas to get you started.

Thought prompts for your own Love Story!

Chapter 1: There’s only one rule when it comes to creating my rightest match for marriage

If you’re not dating men who are real possibilities for marriage and you worry about whether or not you’re following all the rules, stop worrying about ‘the rules’ and start making them. Believing that a man is supposed to look or act the way your friends think is best, and counting men out because they don’t measure up, is holding you back from finding the man who has the qualities that really matter to you.

The rules that are hanging you up are all about what you think other people will think and the only opinion that truly matters is yours. What do you value? What qualities in a partner will be in best alignment with your values? How do you want to live and love? Do you want to be married? What is important to you to accomplish in life and what kind of man will be your most ardent champion?

I used to date a man who didn’t open the car door for me. There are a lot of women in the world who would count him out forever just because of that, and they each would have missed out on time with someone who was smart and funny and sweet. Instead of counting him out based on him not behaving the way someone else might have thought he ought to, you know what I did? I asked him to please open the door for me. And from that moment on, he did.

Decide for yourself who your rightest match is, not your friend’s, and then go out into the world of dating and meet that man.

Chapter 2: I made choices and took actions that served my romantic relationship, even when it was hard 

Yes, it’s hard to put your needs, your wants, your self, before someone else. But if you don’t do it at least some of the time you are going to spend a big chunk of the rest of your life shopping – for gifts for other women’s registries and outfits for other women’s weddings.

The next time someone asks you to do them a favor, especially if it conflicts with plans you had for yourself, especially if it conflicts with the time you promised to write your online dating profile and select pictures, say no.

If the thought of this fills you with dread this is a golden opportunity! You are being given the chance to practice the incredibly important life skill of learning when and how to prioritize your needs and create the life you deserve.

Start with this – ask yourself why you are considering saying yes. Seriously, sit down and ask yourself why you want to do this thing for this person at this time and don’t get up until you have an answer. This will give you a lot of useful information!

In Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, Elizabeth Gilbert says, and I paraphrase, that in order to make time to accomplish our dreams, not only must we say no to doing things we don’t want to do, we must be willing to say no to things we want to do, too.

There are just so many hours in a day, and so many days in a year, and if you are not in the relationship right now that you promised yourself last year that you would be, you will be performing the utmost kindness to yourself by taking a concrete step toward changing that outcome for 2022.

Chapter 3: I look for the green flags everywhere, and find them!

Remember that game we played as children? We’d line up in a row and someone would start to shout out directions and we’d have to follow them or be counted out – Red light! Green light! One, two, three! Green lights meant go and red lights meant stop. For children it was lights, for adults it’s flags, although the meaning is exactly the same.

How many times have you heard other women talk about red flags or been on a date and thought it in response to something he said, or scrolled through your social media feed and seen those words in BIG RED LETTERS?

Yes, it’s important to immediately acknowledge warning signs of impending disaster – if you’re driving a car at 180 miles per hour. If you’re on a date with a man you’ve carefully screened before meeting it’s so much more important – and useful – to look for the GREEN FLAGS. 

Perhaps part of the reason you’ve had so much trouble dating is that you’ve trained yourself so completely to see red flags that nothing less than danger gets your attention. Since red means stop it makes sense that you are not finding men who are viable candidates for going forward from the first one or two dates. 

If you want to be in a romantic relationship with a high-quality man who is your best match, you must find things you like about the men you meet and date. You must learn how to see the signs that someone’s a great possibility; the green flags. Green, after all, means GO!

This is your story. You get to tell it your way!

#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating  

Back to School for Love and Marriage

back to school, learning new things, love, relationships, dating, marriage

 

Do you get the same nostalgia I do at this time of year? I yearn for new shiny shoes, new itchy sweaters and new hard-bound books with paper bag covers. Yes, even the sweaters! 

I think it’s because of the possibility that I’ll learn something I don’t yet know that will change everything when I apply it! If you’d like to be in a committed romantic relationship with your rightest match before the end of this year, how can you learn to change everything?

Do you only meet men who engage in lengthy conversations but don’t take the initiative to ask you for a proper date? Or men who tell you they’re really into you and then drop out of sight without an au revoir? Or maybe the men you date only, ever, want casual vs. commitment?

What if …

It’s not about who you attract, it’s about who you’re attracted to

You may believe that you’re attracting this type of man over and over because it says something about your worthiness to be in a relationship. I know it’s not about your worthiness, because you are already 100% worthy. The truth is you are attracted to men who reflect back to you what you think about your worthiness. This feels very comfortable because it’s so familiar.

Do you believe all the men your age only want to date younger women? Have you ever wanted to start a conversation with a man but stopped yourself because you didn’t think he’d find you interesting? Do you want to be in a committed relationship, but think you have to wait until you’ve lost 10 pounds to start dating? Any of these thoughts feels like the truth, but isn’t, it’s simply a thought you are thinking that keeps you safely within your comfort zone. You don’t have to change your habits or make space in your closet or risk having your heart broken.

If you want something different, you’re going to have to do something different – and that starts with thinking different thoughts. The next time you catch yourself thinking one of the comfortably uncomfortable thoughts that’s been keeping you stuck, flip the switch. Try a pattern interrupter like saying, “NO!” out loud, followed with, “That’s not true, and I’m thinking a more useful thought!” Then do it.

Dating is hard because you think it is 

Think back over all the dates you’ve had in your lifetime and be really honest – haven’t some of them been good? Haven’t you had fun, had a few laughs, had some flirtations? Haven’t you gotten home on more than one occasion and hoped you’d see him again?

Then why do you keep listening to all the Moaning Myrtles who think that life is hard, and dating is harder than life itself? Why do you insist on telling yourself that you wish you could be in a relationship without having to date? Not only is dating not hard, it’s actually fun when you allow it to be! By telling yourself anything to the contrary you are causing yourself needless suffering!

Being part of the ‘in’ crowd might have been attractive in junior high but in our divisively virtual world a majority of the voices that pronounce themselves ‘in’ are negative and damaging to your self-confidence and your ability to create the loving, committed romantic partnership you really want and deserve.

You are a highly successful, competent, blessed woman who lives in a very real world, not a virtual one, and the real world is where you seek that high-quality man who is your absolutely best match! You are worthy of enjoying exactly the kind of relationship you desire, and uniquely able to create it. Your willingness to feel any emotion possible is your golden ticket to whatever you want in life. Sadness, dashed hopes and temporarily injured hearts are all part of the gamut of emotions – suffering is optional.

Being married is more important than getting married

I know exactly why you’ve never been married! It’s because you just haven’t met your rightest match. But why haven’t you?

If you were raised to not ‘depend on a man’ you may have decided your career was more integral to your well-being than love. Although the money and the accolades give you a sense of security, how do you feel alone in bed with a storm raging outside your window? If, as a child, you were given positive attention for being the family caregiver, as an adult you may prioritize the well-being of your family of origin, but are missing out on the joy you’d feel wrapped in the love of your own nuclear family.

All the decisions that have gotten you here are honorable, not binding.  You get to make different choices and create different outcomes now than you ever have before.

According to TV, getting married involves stacks of money, yards of tulle and buckets full of drama. Years of observing my parents’ marriage tells me being married involves hours of sitting and talking, years of trials and errors and boatloads of trust

You are a grown woman. Think long and hard about the kind of man you want to be married to now. I’ll bet that he’s very different from the kind of man you would have liked to get married to in your twenties. 

This is your marriage. You must have it your way!

#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating 

Want a great marriage? Love yourself first.

Angel wings, havem ore love, romance, romantic relationship, love yourself, marriage, dating

What if it’s not all about the men?

Have you figured it out yet? What’s keeping you from finding your rightest match and getting married?

Is it something you’re doing? Is it something you’re not? Is it all about the men? If your relationships all end for the same reason, there is phenomenally good news.

It means that you have a pattern that’s standing between you and him and it’s probably something you’re doing to protect yourself. This is good news because if it’s about you then you can change it! 

Remember my philosophy that’s so different from everyone else’s – you have to love yourself before you can let someone else love you. Protecting yourself in ways that are keeping you from creating the enriched romantic relationship you desire isn’t actually loving yourself, but it sure does feel like it, doesn’t it? 

Are you protecting yourself from being seen?

I’ve always considered myself a friendly person. I smile at strangers, even on the NYC subway! But was I really smiling?

One day when I was in Vietnam, I saw a beautiful little girl toddling along the river path. Her mother was guiding her slowly, allowing her to find her footing. I was so captivated by her, and by the sweet patience expressed by her mother, that I beamed down at her, then looked up to see her mother beaming at me. I don’t recall ever having such a strong smile returned to me by a stranger. 

I showed her what her mother-love looked like, and she returned that love to me! Love was reflecting love over and over, bouncing back and forth like two mirrors reflecting light.

From that moment forward, in public I smiled big smiles that expressed how I was feeling about people, not tight-lipped grimaces that expressed how I thought others felt about me

And enough people smiled back for me to understand that when I go out into the world in the fullness of who I really am, my people will find me. And that includes men who might possibly be my rightest match. And yours will find you, too.

I know you’ve heard the admonition to not hide your light under a bushel. What are you doing about it? You can make all the lists you want, read all the books you want, use all the dating apps you want and nothing will mean anything if you don’t reveal who you are so the one who is seeking you can find you.

Vulnerable, yes. And so very worth it!

Are you protecting yourself from risk?

How many times have you been on a date and decided right then and there he was not your Mr. Right? You’ve probably even said to yourself (or a few friends) that you didn’t need to go out with him again, he’s not for you, and capped it off with, “When you know, you know.”

Except, what if you have an inkling you might really like him? What if you felt a flutter and you just didn’t want to feel the discomfort you’d feel while waiting to find out if he feels the same about you … or not? What’s really happening here is, so as not to be disappointed later, you are deciding he’s not for you, and voila, you don’t have to risk finding out he doesn’t feel the same for you.

Think about it this way – Is it really better to avoid feeling discomfort now because you don’t want to risk feeling disappointed later?

You need to learn to override your default reaction to protect yourself because that’s what got you where you are today. And where you are today is not where you want to be tomorrow.

You need to start looking for ways to count men in rather than out or you will, eventually, run out of men. And you’ll still be single.

Tough love? Yes, and you can take it because you’ve always taken care of yourself, worked your ass off, and created the outcomes you desire. You know tough love will get you to True Love.

But why do I have to love myself first?

Do you get as many compliments as you’d like? I have a feeling that the answer isn’t no, it’s that you’re given compliments, but you don’t receive them.

When a man says you’re beautiful do you say, how wonderful! or do you wonder why he’d say that?

When a man tells you you’re sexy do you feel soft and accepting, or tense up waiting to find out what he really wants?

Have you ever actually said, “you don’t really mean that” out loud?

Have you ever tried to give someone a compliment and been rebuffed? Was the response, it was nothing, or, this old thing?, or, you should have seen me last week, I looked really good then! How did it make you feel? I know I’ve had the experience of trying to give a compliment or express gratitude that was not accepted and I felt like I’d been caught in an invisible shield that kept me from connecting.

Now think about the man you seek. How do you want to feel with him? Loved? Cherished? Desirable and desired? Well, if you don’t love yourself, cherish yourself and feel desirable yourself, if you don’t understand why he would, when he tries to give you that compliment you want, you won’t let him.

You have to love yourself first so that you can understand and accept what other people love about you. You have to love yourself first so you can allow someone else to give you what you want. You have to love yourself first so you can allow someone else to love you

This is your love. You get to have it your way!

#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating 

Do you want to be married to technology or a person?

Marriage, Romance, Relationships, Business, Work Life Balance, Love, Do you want to be married to technology or a person?

Do you want to be married to a person? Maybe it’s what you’re NOT doing that’s holding you back.

After you read last week’s missive did you do an action audit? Are you doing one of these 3 things that is keeping you from meeting and dating men who are great possibilities for marriage?

If you did, good job! The first step can be the hardest – celebrate yourself for taking it! But, what if it’s not something you’re doing that’s holding you back, what if it’s something you’re not doing that you ought to? 

If you’re not any closer to marriage, what aren’t you doing?

Engaging in love and relationships in the real world

In a 2019 interview, author Frances Mayes (remember Under the Tuscan Sun, one of the most romantic stories ever told?) said she thought the internet hadn’t caught on as much in Italy because people live life in person. They don’t email each other because every day they sit and talk with their neighbors in the piazza or meet their old high school flame in the grocery store.

Lately we’ve all spent much more time in our homes and online. And even prior to the pandemic many more couples were meeting online than in person – but – that only means the original meeting. At some point you must move that interaction offline and into a space where you can meet face to face. If you don’t, it’s not online dating, it’s online writing. It’s being digital pen pals, and that doesn’t lead to marriage.

Ask yourself – Do I want to be married to technology, or to a person? Then act accordingly. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was being told I’m very European. That person meant that I enjoy being, not only doing. Be more European, be more face to face with people, be with yourself comfortably and genuinely in a way that invites others to be with you, too.

Curating a happy marriage feed

When you open your eyes in the morning what’s the first thing you do? If it’s to check your social media … What do you read? Who do you see? 

Throughout the day, are you constantly checking your feed to be brought up to date on the latest news, or incessantly posting what you’re eating, what you’re watching, what you’re thinking and then checking to see who ‘liked’ it?

Your head’s in your phone All. Day. Long. Do you see stories about committed love and lifelong marriage and images of beautiful weddings and happy couples? Are you posting and sharing stories about the kind of fulfilling love and real marriage you want – or ‘jokes’ about toxic husbands and bridezillas?

In order to be it you have to first see it. If your body is your temple, your mind is your haven. You are the gatekeeper and it’s up to you what you allow into both of those precious spaces. Do what serves you, act the way you want to be in the world. You don’t have to do or be what other people think is amusing. Because honestly, it’s not that amusing, even to them.

Loving yourself ‘til death do you part

So, here’s the part where you might roll your eyes at me, and I’m okay with that. Really. Because the one thing you are most resistant to accepting is probably the one thing you need to embrace to make the incredible transformation you keep saying you want!

You’ve heard it and read it for years – you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. And you roll your eyes or slam down your phone or throw the book across the room (luckily, I missed the lamp). I don’t know why you feel angry; l felt angry because I thought I was being blamed for not having the thing I wanted.

If someone says you ought to love yourself and your response is to feel anger, you don’t love yourself. I know this for 2 reasons.

 When you really love yourself, nobody tells you you ought to because it’s evident that you do

The times when I heard that statement and got angry it was because I didn’t love myself. I said I did, I thought I did, but I really didn’t, because I didn’t get what it meant to really love myself.

BTW – I don’t agree that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. I believe you have to love yourself before you can allow someone else to love you. Stay tuned next week! 🙂

The only relationship you are guaranteed to be in ‘til death do you part is the one you have with yourself. Don’t you want it to be the happiest, the most joyous, honest, fulfilling, the most absolutely delicious one possible?

This is your marriage. Whether it’s a happy one is up to you.

#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating  

Are these 3 things holding you back from having more love?

 

what's holding you back, relationships, dating, inaction, love, romance, marriage

Today I’m feeling so much love for you because you are just like I was. You are single, maybe never been in what you consider a “real” relationship, and you want that more than anything else in the world! 

Maybe you want to be married, maybe not. Maybe you want to have children, maybe not. Maybe you love your work but realize it can’t give you the warmth, the joy, the ultimate fulfillment you seek because those qualities come from relationships with people, not projects. You want to give and receive affection, joy, respect and love and you deserve it! And you’re exhausted, depleted and sad sitting on the sidelines feeling that love is passing you by.

Please don’t believe the people who say they have the answer to your question, the solution to your problem. You are a unique individual and deserve to be seen and understood in your uniqueness. There is not one answer for you, although there may be one idea that strikes a chord, that sparks a flame within you – follow it!

If any of the following ideas resonate for you, please delve deeper! Don’t just say, oh, and move on to the business news – have more love! Figure out what’s holding you back from having the love you desire and then go create it.

If you’re doing one of these three things, you may be stopping yourself from making the connection you crave with a high-quality man.

Spending every moment of your free time with your family and friends

You love your family! A weekly dinner with your mom and babysitting your nieces and nephews so your sister and her hubby can have their weekly date night are just two ways you express it. Add all the times you volunteer to help a friend with a garage sale or paint her spare bedroom on the way to babysit those nieces and nephews and there goes your whole Saturday, right?

Sunday is either brunch with the girls or church in the morning and some well-earned you-time, and between the babysitting and the unlimited mimosas you crawl into bed on Sunday night and wake up Monday morning wondering how another weekend has gone by without a date. 

Ask yourself – What’s in it for me? What are you gaining by supporting other people’s life goals and not leaving yourself enough time or energy to support your own? Is it possible that you have grown so accustomed to identifying as the one who supports all the people you love that you can’t allow yourself to risk changing your identity?

Ask yourself – How can I start to change the way I see myself? Can you learn to identify as someone who supports all the people you love and expand that definition to include yourself? If you do that, then in addition to spending time with your family, you might also spend some time going out to a place where you can interact socially with potential partners or peruse online dating sites or apps.

Spending every moment of your free time catching up with your favorite shows

You love your stories! You insist on knowing who’s doing what to whom at all times, but let’s think about this logically. If you want to be married in the real world, why are you spending so much time in the virtual one? 

After my dad passed away I felt bereft. He’d been living near me for the 7 years after my mom passed away and he was the focus of my time and attention; weekly errands and dinner and then, daily visits at the hospital and rehab center. I remember the first Friday night after he passed I was literally wandering around my apartment not knowing what to do with myself. I turned on the TV and found the Friday night lineup of old British sitcoms. 

They became my replacement family, and for close to a year I kept my Friday night dinner date with them. That was then; for you now it might be binge-watching Netflix or Prime, or Hulu, or YouTube or Brit Box or … There are so many choices we could all stay home forever! And my goodness, you can get them on your phone, so you don’t even have to be at home to visit, you can tune in wherever you are – and miss the chance to talk to the handsome man standing in the checkout line at the grocery store. Because you literally do not see him.

It gives you a sense of belonging, they’ve become like family, after all, so it makes total sense that you do it – although continuing to do it is taking away so much time and energy that you might be directing toward having more … let’s call it warm love, interactive love, living, breathing, real love.

What can you do about it? Stop. Just stop. At home, instead of turning on the TV or popping open your laptop, look out the window, notice if a neighbor is outside and go talk to them. Standing in a line, keep your phone in your purse. Tune in to your actual surroundings; take in the weather, the people, the conversations and music around you.

And when that handsome man in the checkout line asks you to hold his place because he needs to get one more thing, look him straight in the eye, smile and say, I’m happy to! 

Hoping that someday your prince will come

Maybe you believed all the people throughout your life who told you to “Just live your life, do what you like, and he’ll appear when the time is right.” I always say you have to have hope as a noun, you can’t use hope as a verb. If literally all you’re doing is hoping you are not serving your highest good, nor are you moving yourself any closer to the enriched romantic relationship you desire. 

I used to take that kind of inactive advice to heart, and coupled with hearing I was supposed to, “wait upon the Lord” I was doing a lot of waiting and hoping. What I wasn’t doing was dating.

Why do we take some advice so literally, and not act, even when we know the clock is ticking and inaction is not getting us what we want? Because it lets us off the hook. If you post your pics and profile on a dating site and you don’t get a lot of positive reactions you might have to admit that something about your profile or pics isn’t attracting men. And then you’d have to really commit to doing the work to figure out what it is so you can correct it. If you don’t sign up at all you get to stick to your story that no men your age want women your age.

If you want to be married and you’re not, stop waiting and hoping and start swiping and dating. And if it’s overwhelming to do it alone, call me.

This is your life. Your marital status is up to you.

#datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating  #havemorelove

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – Change in the balance

what would you like to change? Marriage, relationships, dating, love, work, life, balance

CHANGE. For the world, for the people, for the better.

Are you ready to change?

Have you ever wanted something big, like a promotion or a new career or a husband or a baby, and let something, or many things, stop you from getting it? Have you been ready for your office, your home, your car, your wardrobe, your neighborhood, your income, your relationships, your life to be different – but not been ready for you to change?

This is about your identity; the way you think, feel and see yourself, and by extension, the way others see you. And it’s scary to think about that being different than the way it’s always been. To think about you being different than you’ve always been.

If you’re not meeting your right match in the time you think it ought to have taken, are you wondering what’s wrong with you, or with all the men on the planet?

And in order to meet that right match, have you been trained to ask, “Who do I have to become in order to attract the partner I desire?” My friend, if you’re anything like I was, you probably get pissed off at the thought that you have to change anything at all, and quit dating just to ‘show’ them. (yeah, well, spoiler alert – quitting dating doesn’t get you married any faster)

When you’re ready, here are some questions you ought to be asking – 

  • Who am I now?
  • What do I think about my life?
  • How do I feel most of the time?
  • How do I show up?

Are you willing to do the work?

This isn’t easy. It’s confronting and will make you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable and is the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself. Once you’ve done the work of facing yourself as you are now and choosing who and how you want to be going forward and are willing to feel all the feels between here and there, you’ll be able to have, do and be anything in life. Anything.

But the doing will look and feel ugly. All the sharp edges you’ve worked so hard to cover over will need to be seen and felt, honed and polished. All the highs will feel totally untethered; all the lows will feel like you’re tethered to the lowest ground. Part of the work will be for you to find your balance between these two extremes and you need to know now that during the process of finding your balance you will over-correct, sometimes too weak, sometimes overly strong – 

Keep going, you will find your sweet spot of change!

When you’re ready, here are some more questions you ought to be asking – 

  • Who will I be if I’m not who I’ve always been?
  • Who do I want to be?
  • How do I want to show up?
  • What do I want to think about my life?
  • How do I want to feel most of the time?

This is the work. Doing it will change everything.

Are you able to invest in yourself?

Our priorities are not simply what we think or say they are, our priorities are what we invest our time and money in.

If you say you want to be married and you’re not, but don’t have time to date – and you consistently agree to work late or continually make yourself available to care for the needs of your friends and relatives – then marriage is not a priority.

If you say you want to be married and you’re not, but don’t figure out how to meet and make real connections with the kinds of men you might actually marry, if you will only take free advice from books, the internet or friends – then marriage is not a priority.

This is your life. Your priorities are up to you.

#datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating  #havemorelove

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – to Thine Own Self Be True

Relationships, Love, Knowing Yourself, What You Really Want vs. What You think you want

 

To thine own self be true.

This is how you know yourself.

A few years ago I was about to cut across a parking lot to save myself a few steps, when I looked down and saw the ground was splattered with oil stains. I mean, for the first time in my life I really saw what I’d been walking on. In that moment I decided I was worth more. 

Enriched romantic relationships involve caring for each partner with respect and treating each other with dignity and the only relationship you’re guaranteed to be in ‘til death do you part is the one you have with yourself. 

I’m inviting you to think deeply about what caring for yourself really means, and to question the choices you’ve always made – especially the ones you’ve made for the sake of convenience. Self care is more than convenience and treating yourself with dignity and respect has a more long-lasting effect than the few seconds you may save. And if you’re looking for a partner who will treat you with dignity and respect, start that process now and be your own best partner!

In that parking lot I decided that going forward I’d always choose a dedicated walkway, for cleanliness and safety. I’ve applied this philosophy of respect vs. convenience to other values too, like choosing to buy whole fruit and cut it up myself rather than buy it pre-cut in plastic containers. The peace I feel in being actively aligned with my values is so much greater than any feeling I ever got from something being convenient.

When you start treating yourself every single day the way you want to be treated every single day that is going to truly enrich your life!

This is how you trust yourself.

One day last year I was leaving my neighborhood grocery store. There’s a little patch of grass at the curb and not only do I prefer to walk on a sidewalk than the parking lot, I would always rather walk on grass than pavement. I paused on this little patch of beautiful green grass and thought to myself, “I am so grateful to have a market I can walk to, and the ability to buy groceries.” And then it occurred to me that I was as happy in that moment as I could possibly ever be. Even if I were leaving the grocery store in Paris (living in Paris is a life dream/goal) and even if I were in a relationship with a wonderful man, I couldn’t be any happier than I was then.

I stepped off the grass and saw something on the sidewalk that looked like crumpled up money. I looked up and down the sidewalk and there was nobody there. I thought at first I’d found a dollar on the street and when I picked it up I saw that it was actually a twenty dollar bill.

If you think I was happy because I found $20 on the street please go back and read this again. I was already happy. I was already affirming to myself that I was happy. I was living fully in gratitude and affluence and I was practicing my own form of self care by walking across the grass and the sidewalk rather than the oily parking lot to save a few steps.

You know it doesn’t feel good when someone tells you he’ll do something and then doesn’t. Neither does it feel good when someone does something once and never again. Be the partner you seek. Enrich your own loving relationship with yourself. You learn to trust yourself by showing up for yourself over and over … and over again.

This is how you show up for yourself.

By the way, that was actually the second time I found $20. It happened again a third time, and I’m sure it will happen again. For a long time I had an affirmation; the universe is paving my path with twenty dollar bills!  

I don’t believe that I’m just lucky, I believe it’s because I am getting better and better at being consistent and honoring myself by showing up. You see, I found that third $20 lying on the sidewalk. I found it because I chose the safety and cleanliness of the sidewalk rather than cutting across the parking lot. I honored myself and saw the response.

There are a lot of good things in your life right now. Do you see them? Are you appreciating them and loving the life you have, or are you waiting for your life to look a certain way in order to be happy? If you believe there’s only one way for you to be happy, and it involves a certain man and a relationship with a certain label, you can make a different choice. 

You can have the enriched loving relationship you desire at any time, in any place. You can be happy now!

Consistently giving myself what I know feeds me in a truly nourishing way, being open, being available, being grateful, feeling affluent and abundant allows me to see what is true about my life right now, to feel happy always and enables me to see what is literally being dropped in front of me.

This is your life. The way it looks is up to you.

#havemorelove #havefundating #singleandspiritual #lovedating #lovemakeovers

#datingandrelationships #onlinedating #midlifedating

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business: Have It All Now

Have it all now, don't wait, you create all you want in life, love, dating, relationships, marriage

Here’s how:

Feel the way you want to feel then now.

Luxuriate in it. Revel in it. Absolutely soak in the feelings of desire, love and being cherished the way you would soak in a tub filled with foaming bath oil and rose petals.

This may sound a little crazy, but it’s the absolute truth – every feeling you want to feel at some time in the future is available to you right now. How is this possible? Because the way you feel is determined, not by your circumstances, but by what you think about your circumstances. 

  • If you want to feel desired or loved or cherished, start thinking about what that really takes. You are a woman who is desirable, lovable and worthy of being cherished, even if there is no man in your life at the moment. Creating that belief and truly instilling it in your own heart is the first step to feeling every feeling you desire.

 

  • Start to feel like a woman who is in a committed, monogamous relationship – like a woman in love. What must you think in order to develop those feelings? And once you’re feelin’ her, how does she act? What does she say and do? How does she show up? How will you behave when you’re married? Do you think you’ll be very different than you are now? If so, figure out what you have to think to create the feelings that will fuel your actions, and do it now!

Pretty soon you’ll feel so loved and cherished and desired, and you’ll be exuding that energy, and you’ll be so attractive to so many people, you won’t even notice you’re not actually in a relationship. Yet.

Make time for dating now.

You are absolutely in love with your career and although that’s awesome, there are other things you want to be in love with as well. You want a partner, marriage and a family – you might not want to have children yourself, but you might … or you might be open to a partner who already has children. Either way, a big step on the way to marriage is being in a committed, monogamous relationship.

You know how you always say you will make time to be in a relationship but you don’t have time to date? Make time now. If you don’t make time to date, you won’t know how to make time to be in a relationship. You won’t know how to make different choices than the ones you make now. Being in a relationship will not magically enable you to say no to working overtime or always being the one to babysit your nephew at the last minute.

Telling yourself over and over that you don’t have time to do something you want to do, that will enable you to create something you want, isn’t serving you. It’s actually making it hard for you to believe you’ll ever have it. And when something is hard for you to believe, how motivated do you feel to take all the actions necessary to go after it?

It starts to feel more like a job, doesn’t it? And you’ve already got a job, what you want is to create balance and a right order in your life by giving more time and attention to your love relationships and less to the business ones. That takes you doing something different than you’ve done before.

Be happy now.

Postponing your happiness into the future is making you feel like someone who doesn’t ever get what she wants. And when you constantly feel like you don’t get what you want in life one of two things can happen. Either you’ll get burnt out and stop going after what you want; (i.e. quit dating) or when you do get what you want (falling in love with your absolute right match!) you won’t recognize him because you’ve set yourself up to believe you can only be happy when you’re in a relationship at some distant time in the future, not now.

Happiness is a feeling, and as you saw above, every feeling that you might possibly want to feel at some time in the distant future is available to you right now.

I realize this may be a foreign concept, because it’s so different from what we’ve all been taught about life, right? We’re supposed to go out and get something or do something or be something different, and then we get to feel different. But the truth is, it’s the exact opposite! 

Your thoughts are creating your feelings. Your feelings are fueling your actions. Your actions are ultimately creating your results. You think, you feel, you do. That’s the truth of how you have what you have now and how you get what you want instead.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

This is your life. Having everything you want is up to you.

 

#havemorelove #havefundating #singleandspiritual #lovedating #lovemakeovers

#datingandrelationships #onlinedating #midlifedating

Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Business – 3 ways to create the right balance

Are you afraid you're doing something wrong because you don't have the life you want yet? Love, marriage, relationships, dating, trying new things

Do you feel like you’re doing it all wrong because you don’t have the life you want?

Celebrate all the steps on the way to the big goal.

There are a lot of people who only celebrate birthdays that end in a zero. And perhaps doing something that infrequently makes one inclined to think it has to go exactly to plan or else it doesn’t count.

For my 50th birthday there was a group of people who I cared about who cared about me, and food and laughter and a cake with candles and lots of good wishes! 

But for a long time whenever I thought of that evening, all I remembered was how it didn’t go according to plan. I thought about the man I’d met 6 weeks earlier who, when I said I was thinking of taking a trip for my birthday, asked me to please stay in town. Who said if I was here we would definitely celebrate my birthday together! He texted me at 3 minutes to midnight to say, “I want to be the last person to wish you a happy birthday.” 

I’d looked forward to that milestone with a specific expectation and when it didn’t happen I ruined the memory of it for myself.

I’m not waiting for 10 years to pass before celebrating again. I’ve planned a party for each of my birthdays since, and my guest list is filled exclusively with people who mean the most to me, not people who I hope I mean something important to. And every year there are more and more people!

Measure your transformation, not by what happens on one particular day, but by what is happening in thought every day. When I am presented with a challenge that looks familiar and I create a different result than I ever have before, that’s a win worth celebrating. 

Celebrating completing small goals moves you toward achieving your big goal. You think you’ll celebrate when you get there, but I can promise you that won’t happen. You might not even realize you’re there, or you may decide it’s not really a big deal at all and just set another, bigger, goal. 

Celebrate you and all your accomplishments!

Surround yourself with whatever you find beautiful.

As you can see, I love to be around flowers. I think they’re all beautiful in their own unique ways – just like people! And seeing them makes me happy!

What do you find beautiful?

Take a good look around you right now and really see what you are surrounded by. Is there beauty in your sight-lines every day? It doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive or one of a kind. It might be a flower in someone’s garden or a laughing baby, or two neighbors talking and smiling at each other.

There are enough things in the world that we encounter every day that are hard and rough and ugly and after a while it might seem like that’s all there is. And when your life is skewed all the way to one side that’s when you are out of balance. 

There are some people in the world whose lives are skewed all the way to the ugly side. They are out of balance, they feel terrible and so they can be quick to tell you you’re wrong to want beauty, love and joy. They may say you’re weak or not serious enough or wasting your time focusing on the wrong things. 

Life is not supposed to be ugly or hard and you don’t have to suffer to prove you’re worthy of … anything. Must you do hard things sometimes? Yes, although there is a world of difference between doing hard things and life being hard. You are here because you’re already worthy.

It’s not weak or lightweight to have beauty in your life, it’s the affirmation of life!

Have, feel and express gratitude.

Possibly the #bestgiftever

I live where the earth moves, so keep a flashlight and shoes under my bed.

I ignored it for years, and the batteries corroded and leaked and now it’s impossible to open it.  (Lesson learned – replace batteries every time you change the clocks.)

December 15th –

   He: I know we’re not exchanging gifts, but I’d like to get you a new Maglite.

   Me: Yes, thank you!

December 24th –

   He: I know you like purple, so I searched until I found one. And then, when I opened the package to put in  the batteries I scratched the plastic lens, so I replaced it with a glass one.

Would you be grateful to receive a flashlight from a man? 

Or do you think that a flashlight is a terrible gift and a man who gave you one doesn’t care about your wants and desires or just isn’t ‘romantic’ enough for you?

Moral of the story:

A flashlight is an expression of wanting to provide protection and safety.

A purple flashlight with batteries and an upgraded lens is an expression of taking into account my preferences and showing attention to detail and excellence and willingness to go the extra mile.

For all of those things I am extremely grateful!

How are people expressing love in ways you may not have recognized as such?

How have you expressed love in ways others didn’t recognize?

This is your life. Balancing it is up to you.

#havemorelove #havefundating #singleandspiritual #lovedating #lovemakeovers

#datingandrelationships #onlinedating #midlifedating