I know you may not believe me right now, but great men are everywhere – really. You might have just walked past one in the produce section of the grocery store. They’re at work, at school and yes, online! You’ve probably even had dates with some, but you couldn’t see what was great about them, the green flags, because you’ve been trained to look for the red ones.
If you’re ever going to see the great men who are all around, you need to look for what’s great about them.
Last week I told you three things you can do to start seeing more possibilities in profiles and pictures online, now let’s talk about doing that in person.
1) Flip the coin on love and dating
It seems like such a good way to keep yourself safe, doesn’t it? If you start out on high alert from the very beginning of the process, and comb through profiles and pictures looking for what’s wrong, you won’t get caught up in a sorrowful situation.
But, my friend, here’s the flip side to that coin. If you constantly and consistently look for problems, that is all you’ll ever find because you will begin to interpret everything you can’t explain as a problem – red flag.
And if you continue to take that red-alertness with you into messaging with all men you’ll never get to a live date with any men.
Here’s the fix. Notice when you feel curious.
After you move from reading profiles and assessing photos like the romantic detective you’ve become, you can reach out to some of the men you find interesting. Or you can choose to respond to some of the men who’ve reached out to you. Or both.
All it takes is for a man to pique your interest, just a little tickle..
Start with messaging in the app and see what sparks your curiosity. And if he’s not adept at moving the conversation forward, ask about things you’d like to know about him. Develop a list of questions about fun, light topics that are interesting to you. The point of this is not to engage in a serious conversation immediately, it’s simply to see if you share common interests and see possibility and if you’re intrigued enough to move onto a phone call.
2) Hear the love
Have you heard online dating coaches say that you ought to go from messaging to meeting as quickly as possible? I get the reasoning behind it, after all, you’re not looking for a digital pen pal, but …
One of the essential qualities I looked for in my partner is that together we have good, clear communication; that’s an imperative. Before you meet someone there are various touch points to make a communication connection, why would you pass up any opportunity? The first was writing, the second is speaking!
And if you want to be sure the person you’re meeting is who he says he is, an extra step is not a big deal, it’s a heck yes!
Here’s the fix. Listen for the alignment.
This sets me apart from a lot of other coaches – I suggest you always have at least one phone call before you agree to meet someone in person. Always.
I think there’s a lot to be gleaned from hearing a man’s voice. This is someone whose voice you might be hearing for a long time, it ought to be pleasing to you! Can you imagine hearing it first thing in the morning or last thing at night? One thing I noticed immediately that made me want to know more, is that my boyfriend has such a great voice!
Also, while on the phone you can assess whether the man you’re speaking with is the same one who was messaging you. Does the conversation flow the way the messaging did? Is his humor similar? Is he picking up the conversation verbally where it left off on the app? Does he know who he’s speaking with or does he keep confusing you with someone else?
If the conversation feels a little stilted it’s not necessarily a red flag warning – some people (men and women) just don’t care for speaking on the phone and might converse more easily in person. You can let him know you’re happy to do that – after you speak on the phone at least once. That’s not a big ask.
And if he does confuse you with someone else, it doesn’t mean absolutely that this is a scam. As someone who’s done it a couple of times myself innocently, 😔 please give him some grace; but if it starts to seem like he’s just not paying attention, that’s a different story.
3) Love meeting in person!
Do you find meeting someone in person difficult? Is it hard to schedule a time that works well for both of you? Is it stressful to get ready; decide what to wear, style your hair, take your look from work to wow?
Do you live in a city where driving and parking are part-time jobs?
Do you wish you could go back to the days that some of us consider chivalrous, when men asked women on dates, and picked them up, took them out and drove them back home?
Here’s the fix. Experience love in your time, not anyone else’s!
Did you let yourself believe you didn’t have time to learn your business? No. Take that same approach to scheduling dates. And if you have a system for getting dressed for work you can develop one for dates that leaves you feeling more like a romantic partner than a boss.
Embrace having your own wheels! Until you’ve spent enough in-person time with a man, have found out more about him, his family, his friends, his life, enjoy literally being in the driver’s seat.
When you’ve checked the boxes with your systems – scheduling, dressing and traveling – it makes being on the actual date so much more fun! You don’t have to be distracted, you can do the only thing you’re there to do – see and be seen, talk, laugh, share, listen. Focus on him to see and hear what makes this man great. Does he have a great sense of humor or knowledge about a topic you’ve always wondered about? Does he run a corporation that’s donating funds to your favorite cause? Has he traveled to all the places you’ve been to yourself?
There’s something great about each and every one of us, although whether or not this is someone who’s great for you … that’s for you to decide after you’ve had a few more dates.
#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating #datingat40 #midlifelove