Do you get the same nostalgia I do at this time of year? I yearn for new shiny shoes, new itchy sweaters and new hard-bound books with paper bag covers. Yes, even the sweaters!
I think it’s because of the possibility that I’ll learn something I don’t yet know that will change everything when I apply it! If you’d like to be in a committed romantic relationship with your rightest match before the end of this year, how can you learn to change everything?
Do you only meet men who engage in lengthy conversations but don’t take the initiative to ask you for a proper date? Or men who tell you they’re really into you and then drop out of sight without an au revoir? Or maybe the men you date only, ever, want casual vs. commitment?
What if …
It’s not about who you attract, it’s about who you’re attracted to
You may believe that you’re attracting this type of man over and over because it says something about your worthiness to be in a relationship. I know it’s not about your worthiness, because you are already 100% worthy. The truth is you are attracted to men who reflect back to you what you think about your worthiness. This feels very comfortable because it’s so familiar.
Do you believe all the men your age only want to date younger women? Have you ever wanted to start a conversation with a man but stopped yourself because you didn’t think he’d find you interesting? Do you want to be in a committed relationship, but think you have to wait until you’ve lost 10 pounds to start dating? Any of these thoughts feels like the truth, but isn’t, it’s simply a thought you are thinking that keeps you safely within your comfort zone. You don’t have to change your habits or make space in your closet or risk having your heart broken.
If you want something different, you’re going to have to do something different – and that starts with thinking different thoughts. The next time you catch yourself thinking one of the comfortably uncomfortable thoughts that’s been keeping you stuck, flip the switch. Try a pattern interrupter like saying, “NO!” out loud, followed with, “That’s not true, and I’m thinking a more useful thought!” Then do it.
Dating is hard because you think it is
Think back over all the dates you’ve had in your lifetime and be really honest – haven’t some of them been good? Haven’t you had fun, had a few laughs, had some flirtations? Haven’t you gotten home on more than one occasion and hoped you’d see him again?
Then why do you keep listening to all the Moaning Myrtles who think that life is hard, and dating is harder than life itself? Why do you insist on telling yourself that you wish you could be in a relationship without having to date? Not only is dating not hard, it’s actually fun when you allow it to be! By telling yourself anything to the contrary you are causing yourself needless suffering!
Being part of the ‘in’ crowd might have been attractive in junior high but in our divisively virtual world a majority of the voices that pronounce themselves ‘in’ are negative and damaging to your self-confidence and your ability to create the loving, committed romantic partnership you really want and deserve.
You are a highly successful, competent, blessed woman who lives in a very real world, not a virtual one, and the real world is where you seek that high-quality man who is your absolutely best match! You are worthy of enjoying exactly the kind of relationship you desire, and uniquely able to create it. Your willingness to feel any emotion possible is your golden ticket to whatever you want in life. Sadness, dashed hopes and temporarily injured hearts are all part of the gamut of emotions – suffering is optional.
Being married is more important than getting married
I know exactly why you’ve never been married! It’s because you just haven’t met your rightest match. But why haven’t you?
If you were raised to not ‘depend on a man’ you may have decided your career was more integral to your well-being than love. Although the money and the accolades give you a sense of security, how do you feel alone in bed with a storm raging outside your window? If, as a child, you were given positive attention for being the family caregiver, as an adult you may prioritize the well-being of your family of origin, but are missing out on the joy you’d feel wrapped in the love of your own nuclear family.
All the decisions that have gotten you here are honorable, not binding. You get to make different choices and create different outcomes now than you ever have before.
According to TV, getting married involves stacks of money, yards of tulle and buckets full of drama. Years of observing my parents’ marriage tells me being married involves hours of sitting and talking, years of trials and errors and boatloads of trust.
You are a grown woman. Think long and hard about the kind of man you want to be married to now. I’ll bet that he’s very different from the kind of man you would have liked to get married to in your twenties.
This is your marriage. You must have it your way!
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