What if it’s not all about the men?

Have you figured it out yet? What’s keeping you from finding your rightest match and getting married?

Is it something you’re doing? Is it something you’re not? Is it all about the men? If your relationships all end for the same reason, there is phenomenally good news.

It means that you have a pattern that’s standing between you and him and it’s probably something you’re doing to protect yourself. This is good news because if it’s about you then you can change it! 

Remember my philosophy that’s so different from everyone else’s – you have to love yourself before you can let someone else love you. Protecting yourself in ways that are keeping you from creating the enriched romantic relationship you desire isn’t actually loving yourself, but it sure does feel like it, doesn’t it? 

Are you protecting yourself from being seen?

I’ve always considered myself a friendly person. I smile at strangers, even on the NYC subway! But was I really smiling?

One day when I was in Vietnam, I saw a beautiful little girl toddling along the river path. Her mother was guiding her slowly, allowing her to find her footing. I was so captivated by her, and by the sweet patience expressed by her mother, that I beamed down at her, then looked up to see her mother beaming at me. I don’t recall ever having such a strong smile returned to me by a stranger. 

I showed her what her mother-love looked like, and she returned that love to me! Love was reflecting love over and over, bouncing back and forth like two mirrors reflecting light.

From that moment forward, in public I smiled big smiles that expressed how I was feeling about people, not tight-lipped grimaces that expressed how I thought others felt about me. 

And enough people smiled back for me to understand that when I go out into the world in the fullness of who I really am, my people will find me. And that includes men who might possibly be my rightest match. And yours will find you, too.

I know you’ve heard the admonition to not hide your light under a bushel. What are you doing about it? You can make all the lists you want, read all the books you want, use all the dating apps you want and nothing will mean anything if you don’t reveal who you are so the one who is seeking you can find you.

Vulnerable, yes. And so very worth it!

Are you protecting yourself from risk?

How many times have you been on a date and decided right then and there he was not your Mr. Right? You’ve probably even said to yourself (or a few friends) that you didn’t need to go out with him again, he’s not for you, and capped it off with, “When you know, you know.”

Except, what if you have an inkling you might really like him? What if you felt a flutter and you just didn’t want to feel the discomfort you’d feel while waiting to find out if he feels the same about you … or not? What’s really happening here is, so as not to be disappointed later, you are deciding he’s not for you, and voila, you don’t have to risk finding out he doesn’t feel the same for you.

Think about it this way – Is it really better to avoid feeling discomfort now because you don’t want to risk feeling disappointed later?

You need to learn to override your default reaction to protect yourself because that’s what got you where you are today. And where you are today is not where you want to be tomorrow.

You need to start looking for ways to count men in rather than out or you will, eventually, run out of men. And you’ll still be single.

Tough love? Yes, and you can take it because you’ve always taken care of yourself, worked your ass off, and created the outcomes you desire. You know tough love will get you to True Love.

But why do I have to love myself first?

Do you get as many compliments as you’d like? I have a feeling that the answer isn’t no, it’s that you’re given compliments, but you don’t receive them.

When a man says you’re beautiful do you say, how wonderful! or do you wonder why he’d say that?

When a man tells you you’re sexy do you feel soft and accepting, or tense up waiting to find out what he really wants?

Have you ever actually said, “you don’t really mean that” out loud?

Have you ever tried to give someone a compliment and been rebuffed? Was the response, it was nothing, or, this old thing?, or, you should have seen me last week, I looked really good then! How did it make you feel? I know I’ve had the experience of trying to give a compliment or express gratitude that was not accepted and I felt like I’d been caught in an invisible shield that kept me from connecting.

Now think about the man you seek. How do you want to feel with him? Loved? Cherished? Desirable and desired? Well, if you don’t love yourself, cherish yourself and feel desirable yourself, if you don’t understand why he would, when he tries to give you that compliment you want, you won’t let him.

You have to love yourself first so that you can understand and accept what other people love about you. You have to love yourself first so you can allow someone else to give you what you want. You have to love yourself first so you can allow someone else to love you. 

This is your love. You get to have it your way!

#havemorelove #datingandrelationships #midlifemarriage #datingat50 #marriedat50 #marriedat40 #midlifedating #onlinedating