What is it that is so devastating about the end of a relationship? Is it the need to redesign the future? Is it the instinct to question the past?
After an ending that caught me totally by surprise it occurred to me that the thoughts causing me the most pain were that I wouldn’t feel loved and also, I would no longer be able to love this person because he said he didn’t love me.
I mean, I’d gotten quite used to the feeling and the act of loving him and now I’d have to stop loving him – and not feel loved myself – simply because he didn’t have the good sense to love me.
This was totally unacceptable.
Do you think of love as an emotion, a noun, a mystical, magical feeling that occurs without any action or control on your part? Do you believe you can feel love only when someone else loves you? If this is true it makes sense to believe that if someone who loves us leaves us we will no longer be loved, so we will no longer feel love.
I don’t believe it’s true.
I bet that if you think about how you physically feel when you’re angry you’ll realize you feel tense, hot, tight, – you feel angry when you are angry. It’s the same thing with love.
Love is an action, a verb; it’s by acting on it, by loving others, that we feel love.
A few years ago I had a short relationship with a man who I adored and who said he adored me, although his actions never matched his words. Meaning, he said he wanted to see me and couldn’t manage to actually show up. I let that go on for 6 weeks. And I let myself howl at the moon for a year and a half after, full of righteous indignation until the day I was sick and tired of feeling angry. So I had a radical idea. What if I just decided to love him? From that moment on anytime I thought of him I’d think, “I love you and I wish you a good life.” I honestly don’t know if he’s having a good life, but from the very first thought I felt better!
A weight was lifted off my heart.
It’s a method I’ve employed ever since. After the end of my next relationship it took me a few months to work through all the phases and start to love him again.
And this most recent ending that blindsided me?
On Friday night I discovered the feelings I’d been having were not mutual. On Saturday morning I awoke feeling sad about not loving him anymore, then realized the choice was mine. Not only could I, I’d better keep on loving him. Not for him, for me. For my sake, my feelings, my sense of peace and my ability to love unguardedly again.
Will it happen overnight and without a hitch? No. Will I put this into practice perfectly? No way. There will be ups and downs, tears and fears, steps forward and giant leaps sideways.
I will be perfectly imperfect in my pursuit. But allowing myself to sit in feeling sad, mad or devastated without being in the process of feeling love instead is no longer an option.
I choose to engage in life from love.
Want to join me?
I know you can do it! I also know you will feel so much better on the other side! And if you need help, I’m only a click away.
Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!
Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!
Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.
What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!
Right now, take a moment and affirm for yourself:
I feel loved when I love!