Do you believe in chemistry in relationships? What does that mean to you, exactly? Do you believe that the right man for you is the one – and only the one – with whom you have both an instant attraction and mutual connection? Do you envision taking one look at each other and suddenly the birds will be singing, the skies will part and you’ll be wrapped in candy-colored clouds?
A big part of this scenario is mixed up with your idea of your ‘type’ of man. For most of us what we call our type is a physical look to which we are attracted, it’s a physiological reaction, that’s all. And when we meet a man to whom we feel that draw we make ourselves believe that it’s chemistry – and when we meet men to whom we are not drawn we believe we don’t have chemistry.
Yes, I said we believe we don’t have chemistry. First we believe that chemistry is based on physical attraction. Then we believe that it’s instantaneous or it’s not at all. Then we believe that chemistry comes before connection. None of these is true and they’re stopping you from finding the love you really, really want. https://lenaehrenberg.com/2018/08/08/what-you-really-really-want/
Smart Girl, put on your Wise Woman goggles and open your heart and your mind to another idea, because, honestly, you’ve got it backwards.
There are things about people that you can’t possibly know in an instant, things that can only be proven over time – and they’re really important things to know about someone with whom you want to share your life. As a matter of fact, they’re the most important things. Brene Brown and Iyanla Vanzant both taught us that it takes time to create trust because you don’t just do something once and prove your trustworthiness; trust is built up over many, many instances of showing up and doing what you said you’d do.
There’s something else that takes time for you to see. For my money it’s the true root of a healthy relationship and element of chemistry – character. Who is he? What are his beliefs? What are his values? How does he act? How does he treat people? Does he respect women? Will he respect and honor (and cherish) you?
We all learned about dating as teenagers, when we learned to look at ourselves through the lens of what other people will think when they see us, so it was really important to us that we were seen with boys who looked a certain way. As Wise Women we need to shift that perspective once and for all and see ourselves through our own needs, wants and desires.
It makes me wince when men refer to women as girls – only another smart girl can do that! 😉 Well, you’re not looking for a cute boy anymore you’re looking for the man with whom you can share your grownup life.
So here’s my recipe for creating chemistry:
Yes, absolutely, you get to find him physically attractive! What I’m saying is, decide that your ‘type’ will be based on his character, not his appearance. (Yes, I know it will take some effort. Aren’t you and your future worth some effort?)
Decide that you will look for the things you like about him rather than focusing on the things you don’t.
Decide that as long as you both have enough points of commonality and enjoy spending time together you will give yourself the chance to see his character come out – the good, the bad and the ugly. Because, here’s the thing –
It’s been my personal experience that when a man to whom I’d had a strong physical attraction showed a really bad character trait it killed the feeling of chemistry instantaneously.
Allow a man to whom you don’t have a strong physical draw to show you the depths of his good character and watch (and feel) what happens!
Do you desire more love in your life? You can have more love!
Do you want to have more fun dating? You can have more fun!
Don’t know where to start or how to get to the next rung of the relationship ladder? I would love to help! Please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we can schedule a free, 20 minute phone call so that you can tell me what you believe is holding you back and I can offer you at least one, specific, action you can take that will change your results.
What if today is the day you take an action that propels you forward into the rest of your happy, loving, romantic life!
Right now, take a moment and affirm to yourself:
Men of great character are exactly my type!